The Bachelorette
by ThreeHotPotatoes
Summary: Twenty-five smokin' hot men and one Bella… what could possibly go wrong? Oh… with the potatoes at the keyboard, anything and everything! We're back it again! Drabble. Daily(ish) posts. M for shenanigans.
1. Chapter 1

Yo, Yo, Yo! We are back! See you at the bottom!

* * *

"You did _what_!?"

Rose waved off Bella's shrieks. "Calm your tits, B. We both know you've humiliated yourself in front of _way_ more than twenty-five men. Hell, you've embarrassed yourself in front of more than that in one day!"

"That was _not_ my fault. I told Coach I had the shits and couldn't perform the routine."

"Tell that to Jane. She was the one spotting you while you were on top of the pyramid when it all came gushing out."

Bella sighed. "But going on _The Bachelorette_ just screams to the entire world that I can't find myself a date."

* * *

A/N: HEY, Y'ALL!

We're baaaaaack! And we've added to our numbers! YAYYYYY! You'll have to keep reading to see who s/he is!

For anyone who happens upon this little diddy by happenstance, here's the dilly... The four of us (Hot Tot (shellshock or shell taylor), I Da Ho (born on halloween or Kaye P Hallows), Momma Russett (kitkat cullen or Kate Best), and Crinkle Cut (Name to be revealed)) decide ahead of time on a general topic, name, and summary. That's it. Then we take turns writing chapters of 100 words each. Not 101. Not 99. We also try to make the story as ridiculous as possible.

Can we say crack fic?

This fly-by-the-seats-of-our-potato-skins type of writing allows for a lot of mistakes and lack of continuity, but it also allows for a lot of laughs! But we for realz won't be offended if this just isn't for you.

IF IT IS... YAY FOR JOINING US ON THE CRAZY RIDE!

For those of you who have been with us since the beginning, WELCOME BACK! We love our faithful and tiny following. Thanks for being awesome and excited with us!

That's it for me... TAG, YOU'RE IT, I DA HO! (she didn't know she was next. :D)


	2. Chapter 2

~2~

"If the chastity belt fits…"

"Funny. There's more to this than getting laid!" Bella jabbed her finger at the ten-page contract. "Have you even read this? These people expect a wedding!"

"Pshh! Here's what I read: Twenty-five hot guys under one roof, battling to the death to win your hand." Rose sighed dreamily.

"Sounds more like _Survivor_ ," Bella grumbled.

"Yes, but _you_ get to decide who survives."

"And what if they're all dicks, Rose?"

"You obviously don't give the roses to the dicks."

"What roses?"

Rosalie's jaw dropped. "You've never even watched the show?"

"No! Why would I?"

"Cultural relevance?"

* * *

A/N: Ahh, feels so good to be making hash again with my fellow tates! And thank you, crazy readers, for hopping along for this next crazy ride!

Let's see now... it's Momma Russett's turn next, and she always finds a way to make a straight line into a curly fry!

And we are SO excited for the BIG REVEAL of our newest player...chapter 4 will bring you **Crinkle Cut**! STAY TUNED!

MWAH!  
XOXOX  
I da Ho (aka Born aka Kaye)


	3. Chapter 3

~3~

"Rose, I really don't think I can do this."

Rose was all but pushing Bella toward the casting director's office. It had taken several hours of encouragement and multiple bottles of wine before Bella agreed to even go meet with the people in charge. Though now, it appeared, she was threatening to back out.

"Come on, you big baby," Rose cajoled, "you'll tell these higher ups what kind of guy you're looking for and then we'll go get lunch."

"No amount of nachos grande will make this better," Bella whined pathetically, allowing Rose to guide her into the office.

* * *

A/N: Miss us? Sure you did.

*Disclaimer* I have never seen an episode of either the Bachelor or the Bachelorette so I'm relying on the one episode of Family Guy in which Brian goes on the show as my guide.

Forgive me.

Ready to hear from our newest spud?

MWAH!

Momma Russet aka KK


	4. Chapter 4

~4~

An older guy, looking like he baked himself a little too long in the California sun, pulled open the door to the conference room. "Isabella Swan?"

"Just Bella," she answered, realizing her charm bracelet had snagged on her cotton sweater. After a few seconds of rolling her eyes at herself while struggling, she finally pulled the bangle free and offered her hand. "Sorry."

"Hey, no problem-o. It's nice to meet you. I'm Whip Mannington, one of the producers of _The Bachelorette_ running the interviews today. You'll meet the rest of the gang through those doors," he said, tilting his head.

* * *

Helloooo, Hot Potato-land! I'm so excited to be here. As you've slowly been introduced to me, I am, in fact, Crinkle Cut. They've always been my favorite kind of chip, so it seemed fitting. Some might call Crinkle Cut Chips 'Yummy'…and they would be right. *wink*

When the 3 Taters messaged me last month, asking me to jump on this famously silly train ride, I was thrilled. So buckle up…I have a feeling we're about to take crack-fic to a whole new level!

Take it away, Hot Tot!

XOXO, Crinkle Cut (aka Yummy aka Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy aka Jen)


	5. Chapter 5

~5~

"Hoooo-leee-shite."

Spread before Bella were twenty-five of the most eclectic group of men Bella had ever seen. One guy with flaming red hair and covered in freckles chatted amicably with a lanky, tow-headed dude. One guy had so much hair, Bella briefly wondered if he was some sort of werewolf. Her gaze flickered down the row of men, raking in a scar-filled face on that one, deep brown eyes next to him, a mess of wild auburn hair standing alone, and the one on the end—was that a parrot on his shoulder?

"Whip…I mean, Mr. Whip," Bella stammered. "What…"

* * *

A/N:Whoops. I ran out of words. What's she gonna ask, IDH?

OOOOOOoooooohhhh! Did anyone spot our handsome Edward in that line-up? I'm suddenly wishing we'd made this a crossover. I really wanted to pull some HP and OUAT characters into that lineup of men!

YAYYYYY for for Crinkle Cut popping her spud! How fabulous was her first potato? Show her lots of love, friends!

Oh... and Happy Galentine's Day to all you lovelies!

Take it away, B!

xoxo

Hot Tot (shell)


	6. Chapter 6

~6~

"WHIP! What have you done!" A tiny but very angry woman yanked Bella by the arm, pulled her through the doorway she'd just entered, and slammed the door behind them. "WRONG ROOM!"

"But I—"

"It's not your fault. I think Whip fried his brains in the tanning bed. He knows better than to comingle the bachelorette with the bachelors before the first show! Grrrr!" The woman sighed heavily, waved a hand past her face, and flashed a bright smile at Bella. "I'm Alice, the show runner."

"Bella."

"I know."

"Oh… yeah. So, am I, like, disqualified now?"

"That depends…."

* * *

A/N:It seems not all of my tater pals have actually viewed an episode of the show! Luckily, _this_ Ho is culturally relevant!

I think we're back on track for a second here... but then, we all know anything can and will happen on Momma Russett's turn! All yours, KK!

How's about that Crinkle Cut character, eh? ;)

xoxo

I Da Ho (Born)


	7. Chapter 7

~7~

"…on how good your memory is." Alice quipped quizzically. "Can you tell me how many of the guys you saw had glasses?"

"No," Bella replied, feeling like she was in front of a small but mighty firing squad.

"Can you remember how many of them were circumcised?"

"What do you mean?" Bella shrieked. "They were all fully dressed!"

"Okay, see we're good then. You barely got a looksee at them." Alice replied as she guided Bella and Rose into the correct room.

"Are there _naked_ contestants?" Rose gasped.

"Well yes, Jacob is a nudist."

"Nope," Bella spat ferociously. "Hard pass."

* * *

A/N:Ha! So we have a naked guy. The rest of the 'tatoes are NOT going to be happy with me. But I gotta do what my brain tells me to do.

Sorry that 'some' of us are going off the rails as to how the show actually works. But maybe this _is_ how it works and we just don't know!

MWAH!

Momma Russet aka KK


	8. Chapter 8

~8~

Alice seated a cackling Rose in the waiting area before guiding Bella, now nauseated, to the correct conference room.

"I'm gonna be honest, Bella. I really dig you and think you'd be a great bachelorette. You're on the short list, so knock out these big wigs with that same wit you gave me on the audition tape."

"I was drunk as hell when my friend captured that madness!"

Alice reached into the inside pocket of her blazer, producing a gold, glittering flask.

"Drink up, buttercup. It's now or never."

"I vote never," Bella murmured but chugged anyway.

"Atta girl."

* * *

A/N: So she might be a little tipsy going into her final interview with the execs...what could possibly go wrong there? So we have a nudist, lol. I think there was a parrot, and Ron Weasley (or his look-alike; I'm all for crossovers, BTW, Hot Tot) was in there, too. It's all good in Tater-land!

And on a personal note, thank you for the warm welcome to this potato salad! My girls are a hoot and I'm giddy to be adding to the goofiness.

Happy Valentine's Day, dear readers!

xoxo, Crinkle Cut aka Yummy


	9. Chapter 9

~9~

"Welcome, Bella. I'm Esme." A pretty brunette greeted Bella. "I must admit, we dismissed your audition tape at first. Our bachelorette's are usually much more… stable. But Michael convinced us the show could do with a little spice. Increase ratings and all that."

As Esme spoke, she gestured to her left.

Bella's stomach dropped. "Mike _Newton?_ "

Great. The only man Bella had ever broken up with—she couldn't handle his obsession over pygmy goats or the way he wanted to use tapioca pudding as lube—stood before her.

Mike grinned. "Told you I'd find a way to win you back."

* * *

A/N:My bad, y'all. I haven't seen this show. So, ya know, whenever it doesn't make sense. It's probably my fault.

Also, sorry it took so long to post. Wednesday was rough in the news, Thursday was busy in my life, and we were traveling yesterday.

So... Mike Newton, huh? Where'd that come from? I was tempted to make Edward one of the execs and really throw a monkey wrench in this fic, but I figured my fellow potatoes would skin me. (hehehe)

Anyone watching the Olympics? I'm currently watching cross country skiing and wondering why anyone would ever subject themselves to that torture... but to each their own!

You're up, Ho!

Thanks for all the love, peeps!

xoxo

shell


	10. Chapter 10

~10~

"Win me back? Isn't the bachelorette supposed to choose one of the 25 bachelors?"

"Yes… ideally, but—" Mike shot a nervous glance at Esme, who seemed none too pleased. "Never mind."

"What's that mean?" Bella asked, shifting toward Esme when Mike didn't answer.

Esme clapped her hands together and plastered a big, fake smile on her face. "Mike is referring to the back-door clause." Good ol' Mike. Always about the back door. "If, at the end of the thirteen-week season, the bachelorette is incompatible with all the suitors, she may…" Esme paused to draw a long, pained sigh.

"May…?"

* * *

A/N:Who knew about that back-door clause? I suppose that leaves the plot WIDE OPEN!?

The potato is all yours, KK!

xoxo

I Da Ho aka Born


	11. Chapter 11

~11~

"We'll worry about that if we get there," Mike hedged as he guided Bella toward a chair. She sat, avoiding his overly-large hands. The guy looked like the Rock Biter from The Neverending Story. Though that old wives tale about big hands and other appendages wasn't true in his case.

"They owe me, so you're a shoe in," he whispered moistly in her ear.

"Gross," Bella mouthed silently as she covertly wiped her face with her sleeve.

"While Mick is correct," Esme said with a grimace, "we feel you bring a breath of fresh air."

A loud fart broke the silence.

* * *

A/N:Oh no! Who farted?

That question falls to Crinkle Cut to answer.

mwah!

Momma Russett/KK


	12. Chapter 12

~12~

"Sorry." Mike shifted in his seat. "Anxiety toots. Forgot my Xanax today."

Bella rolled her eyes and looked out the airplane window as the production company's jet descended into a foggy LAX. She still wasn't sure how she actually landed this role, but Mike farting his way through her final call-back probably embarrassed the other executives enough into this mercy-casting.

Or that's what Bella figured.

"So Whip is waiting for us at the beach house where you'll be staying and we're scheduled to introduce you to Aro tonight."

"The green-hooded crime-fighter?"

Mike hesitated. "Have you _really_ never seen this show?"

* * *

A/N: My, oh my, she is truly clueless. Sooooo, do any of you know who Aro is?

Hopefully Hot Tot does! Stay tuned...

xoxo,  
Crinkle Cut aka Yummy


	13. Chapter 13

~13~

"I have better things to do with my time than watch some reality TV garbage." Of course, that was a bold-faced lie, and Mike damn-well knew it. After all, he was the one who first got Bella hooked on _Britney and Kevin: Ch_ aotic.

 _Damn… now_ that _was a show worth watching_.

Still, Bella needed to wipe that smug smile off his face. "So, who is Aro, and do I get to bang him?"

Mike scowled. "He's the host and if you're up for banging a Michael Sheen doppelgänger who looks as if he were bitten by a vampire, then sure."

* * *

A/N: Y'all... while researching for this chapter, I found the reality TV show Orgasm Wars. I cannot even. The premise is that a gay guy had to perform oral sex on a straight guy and see if he could make him blow his load in 40 minutes. This was actually on TV! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!I had a whole chapter typed up surrounding it and then realized it didn't move the story forward at all.

Not that this one does, either, but at least it's somewhat relevant. Sort of.

I sort of wanted to time jump too so we can meet Edward. I'm dying over here! WHERE IS HE AT, PEEPS?

Take it away, Ho.

xoxo

Hot Tot (shell)


	14. Chapter 14

~14~

Alice chattered nonstop the whole limo ride to Malibu, answering Bella's questions before she could spit them out.

"Shouldn't I pack—?"

"Wardrobe's got you covered, accessories to lingerie. Every outfit you wear is yours to keep. Make-up too," Alice added.

"I don't wear make-up."

Alice leaned in. "Look, I totally dig your 'natural' vibe, but TV cameras can be a bit… unforgiving."

"Don't forget to tell her about the dreaded fifteen pounds," Mike chirped from the driver seat.

"I'll take your cellphone," Alice said, snapping her fingers.

"Wait, why?"

"Can't have you divulging top-secret information before the show airs."

* * *

A/N: Now I'm mad we aren't writing _Orgasm Wars_. Dang.

Okay, dear readers... we're inching closer to that beach house in Malibu, the Michael-Sheen vampiric lookalike, and 25 BACHELORS! Yeehaw!

All yours, Momma R!

xoxo

I Da Ho (Born)


	15. Chapter 15

~15~

"Are you sure this isn't that place they send famous people to detox?" Bella stared up at the most over-the-top house she'd ever seen. Alice led the party of three up the stairs leading to the double wood doors.

"I'm sure," Alice replied distractedly. Mike ambled slowly behind, shaking his pant leg in an odd manner. Alice glanced back and rolled her eyes upward dramatically. "I swear, if you've shit yourself again and are trying to shake it out of your pants, I'll scream."

Deciding to ignore the dookie drama, Bella opened the door and headed into the marble-floored foyer.

* * *

A/N: I'm not in the mood to progress the story. Good thing my other 'Tatoes love me.

Speaking of love, send some birthday love to our very own, Yummy, Crinkle Cut, Robsmyyummycabanaboy, Jen or whatever you call her. Happy birthday Lady!

3

You're next Crinkle!

MWAH!

Momma Russett aka KK


	16. Chapter 16

~16~

Bella gawked at her reflection in the full-length mirror. The silky red gown clung to slender curves she never dreamed she'd show off on a first date, let alone to five million viewers.

Frick and Frack —her wardrobe and make-up team— hustled around with only an hour till filming.

"I'm telling ya, Jess, the humidity's gonna frizz her up like a Chia Pet. It's like straw; should've stuck with an updo."

"Chill, Ang. We need hair down for first meetings. The audience wants boner-central when guys get the initial look at the goods."

Bella waved obnoxiously. "I can hear you!"

* * *

A/N: Poor Bella, what's she gotten into? *rubs hands* The boys are coming, eeeeeep!

Thanks so much for all the cool tater birthday wishes. It helps block out the aggravation of a flood I just discovered in my basement and the fact that my kiddos' school district kept them home today after a credible threat yesterday of upcoming multiple shootings. I can't with this world anymore.

At least this cast and crew makes me giggle.

Take it away, Hot Tot!

xoxo, Crinkle aka Yummy


	17. Chapter 17

~17~

The dude with the parrot disappeared through the door with one of the producers. Mike, maybe? Edward wasn't sure. The past week seemed like one big haze of do this, sit here, say that, and for some reason… makeup.

Not for the first time, Edward questioned his sanity in signing up for this dumb show. But when your mom approaches you in tears, and tells you she loves you no matter the fact that you're gay—and you're _not_ gay—it's time to move outta the basement and take a risk.

A big risk.

In this case, a _stupid_ risk.

* * *

A/N: Oh man. What happened there?

Truth be told... I've never seen the show, so I have no idea how Bella actually meets the men (as evidenced by my earlier goof in chapter 5... whoops!) and none of the other taters were around for me to ask... So I just switched to EPOV.

Is that technically cheating? Mebbeh. Does cheating count in this fic? NOPE.

Awww... Poor lil' Edward living in his mama's basement. Moosh his cute face. I wonder if he wears glasses!

Take it, Ho!

xoxo

shell


	18. Chapter 18

~18~

"You're gay?"

Edward's head snapped up to the surfer-dude sitting across the limo. _Not again._ "Um—"

"Yeah, man," the jock sitting next to Edward answered. "Is that a problem for you?"

"Hell no. One less stud to eliminate." Surfer-dude extended his hand. "I'm James."

"Emmett." He turned his grin on Edward. "And you are..?"

"Straight!"

Emmett snorted. "Noted. Got a name, straight boy?"

"Sorry. Shit. Edward. And I'm not homophobic or anything."

"Good," Emmett said, looping his arm around Edward's neck. "I need a roomie and you look like you could use a wardrobe consult. Whaddya say, Sorry-shit-not-homophobic Ed?"

* * *

A/N: Hmm. Why does Emmett REALLY want to room with SSNH Ed? Will there be another gay bachelor or three to mess around with Em? What's he doing there anyway? OMG what if he wins?

For answers to these questions and more (like, do gay boys fart and talk about their dookies too?)... stay tuned to this HP channel!

Cheers, all you brave souls! Annnnd GO, Momma!

xoxo

Ho (Born)


	19. Chapter 19

~19~

"Sure, but don't call me Ed," Edward mumbled as he pushed his glasses up his nose, trying to keep his face from ending up in Emmett's armpit.

Excited chatter filled the limo as they started up a long driveway. Emmett released Edward and rubbed his hands together.

Edward wasn't excited. He was nervous as fuck.

What kind of girl would pick him? Any girl worth her salt would see right through the fancy suit his mom picked out and discover he was a board-game-loving, mom's-basement-living, glasses-wearing, potty-mouthed virgin.

He was going to embarrass himself in front of the entire world.

* * *

A/N: When the girls set me up so perfectly, I HAVE to take advantage. Everyone knows I'm a GeekVirginWard extraordinaire.

Lets see what happens when B meets E, if that's what you want to do, Crinkle. That's the freedom of out hot potato, you can do WHATEVER you want!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	20. Chapter 20

~20~

"I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me go last," James said to Edward as Emmett stepped out of the limo.

"Didn't Whip say we had to stick to the numbers we drew? Something about names coinciding with—"

James scoffed. "Screw that. They can edit all that in post-production."

Edward considered the logic but knew he needed a few more minutes to gather himself or else puking was imminent.

James received the signal that he was up. "You suck, Ed."

Watching James exit was both terrifying and thrilling. This was it. But…shit, what was her name again?

* * *

A/N: Poor guy is so sick he forgot her name already! Lawd...hopefully he can make it through their introduction unscathed.

Sorry for the middle-of-the-night post. Busy day for the Yummies: Pinewood Derby for my little guy this morning, then drove 3 hours to VA, Daddy/Daughter Dance for  
my girls and the hubs this evening while I went bowling with my little guy. I finally put everyone to bed and found a few minutes to get this done! Anywhooooooo...

Meeting time! You're up, Hot Tot!

xoxo,

Crinkle Cut aka Yummy


	21. Chapter 21

~21~

A wild mess of auburn hair approached Bella. A shy smile creeped across his lips, and he offered his hand.

"Wow."

Bella didn't know which of them uttered it, because moments later, the guy had face planted right into her chest. Then, in his haste to right himself, he somehow managed to rip her dress, causing her left boob pop out.

With impressive speed, he righted himself, covered his eyes with one hand, and stuck the other out to Bella-inadvertently grabbing her boob again, of course-and mumbled, "Nice to meet you, Ella. My name's Ed. I mean, Edward."

* * *

A/N: I'm laughing that yummers thought he had a chance of making it through that unscathed. At least he didn't vom all over her, which I'm sure momma russet would have had him do!

Who doesn't love a little wardrobe malfunction?

I had a super great backstory about the parrot attacking bella before she met our Edward, but alas... Only 100 words allowed and I felt like you guys needed to see them meet more than you needed to hear how she fended off the bird.

What next, b?

Xoxo

Hot tot


	22. Chapter 22

~22~

"CUT!"

A black sheet sailed over Bella's head. "What's happening? I can't breathe!" And where was Ed?

Alice's voice came through from the other side. "Cover up, quick! We can't show boob on network TV!"

"Aren't we live?"

"We're on a ten-second delay in case of ... _this_. Your last suitor is back in the limo."

Bella tugged the fabric under her left armpit. "Okay. Ready."

The sheet fell away. "ROLL!"

Ed fixed his gaze on the driveway, each step cautious. Their eyes met; his went wide.

He leaned in, whispered, "Your hair," then smoothed his hand over her head.

* * *

A/N: You have no idea how hard this chapter was to write! UGH, the potato bombs I am tossed! Good thing I love these crazy taterheads!

Do your worst, Momma R. No, wait... LOL

Xoxo

IDH (born)


	23. Chapter 23

~23~

"Damn man," James slurred as he hoisted his fifth glass of whiskey in a mock salute, "I can't believe you gots ta feel those titties already. What'da think they are? Full C cup?"

Edward ignored James' abhorrent behavior as he stared out the window toward the pool house where Ella…er, _Bella_ was being prepped for their meet-and-greet. He was surprised he was still allowed on the show what with him first nearly exposing the Bachelorette on live TV, then his awkward attempt at fixing her wild hair. How was he to know there were a million pins in those curls?

* * *

A/N: When you don't want to deal with a situation...you time jump!

I have no idea if they use a pool house to keep the girl and boys separated but it sounded good.

Who wants to see a drunken meet and greet?

Lets see if that's what Crinkle wants to do!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	24. Chapter 24

~24~

"Well, Bella, you've briefly met the twenty-five suitors who'll compete to win your hand. Any first impressions before you head into your meet and greet group dinner?"

In the pool house, nursing some wine with Aro the host, Bella scanned twenty-five framed portraits of the guys. She knew her response had to be diplomatic with the live cameras rolling.

I mean, the nudist wearing only a loin cloth for their introduction, some dude with a talking parrot on his shoulder, and then the boob-grope by that tall cutie with the glasses...yeah, you could say there were already some opinions forming.

* * *

A/N: Oh my...the nudist AND the parrot made it to Malibu?! This beach house of guys is going to be filled with all sorts of antics before Bella gives out her final rose, LOL!

Take it away, Tot!

xoxo,

Crinkle Cut aka Yummy


	25. Chapter 25

~25~

"Well, there's certainly no lack of diversity in the group. I look forward to getting to know everyone better."

"Come now, Bella." Aro's fake smile didn't budge as his crazy eyes bounced between Bella and the camera. "Surely you can at least tell us something. Who had the dreamiest eyes, perhaps?"

Bella tucked her bottom lip between her teeth. The pirate-y dude was insanely hot, but Bella suspected he might also just be plain insane. _Who brings a parrot on a dating show?_

In the end, Bella sucked in a deep breath and spat out the only name she remembered.

* * *

A/N: I am so sorry. I sat down to write this chapter on Wednesday b/c I was going out of town for 3 days on Thursday and somehow it never got written. My sincere apologies for taking so long. But I had a fab time at a women's conference learning some more about Jesus with someone of my favorite peeps, so yay for that! And, I got to hear one of my favorite speakers at the conference, Lysa Terkeurst. If you're a Christian and you haven't read any of her books, I highly recommend them. She's incredibly raw and honest and completely inspiring. You can read them if you're not a Christian, too, but just know you'll be getting a heavy dose of Jesus ;)

Aaaaanyway... I could write a whole book about spending 3 days without my kids around for the first time in years and everything we talked about there, but I'll just leave it at that for now. If you want to know, feel free to HMU, tho!

I'll try to do better when the potato comes my way next.

Ho - who's name does she remember?

xoxo

hot tot (shell)


	26. Chapter 26

~26~

"Jasper."

Aro let out a deep, tense breath as if to say, _Now, was that so hard?_ "What was it about Jasper that made an impression?"

"He was wearing his Confederate Army uniform. My dad's a hard-core Civil War reenactor."

"So, if you pick Jasper for a 'Home Town,' he and your dad should totally hit it off!"

"Uh, no. My dad is Ulysses S. Grant all the way, right down to the inside stitching on his muslin underwear."

"Hmm. Have you started to think about who you might want to extend an invitation for a one-on-one date this week?"

* * *

A/N: I have no idea if Ulysses S. Grant's underwear was made of muslin. But I bet Kitkat knows where I got the idea about enactors!

Will Bella divulge her thoughts on the one-on-one? Will she choose the parrot? Where can you take a nudist on a date in Malibu?

Do tell, Momma R!

xoxo

I da Ho! (Born)


	27. Chapter 27

~27~

"She's gonna say me."

"Fuck you, dude. You're drunk off your ass. There's no way she says you."

"Ladies, ladies," Emmett announced loudly as he pushed his way through the mass of men pressed up against the glass doors. "There's no way she says any other name than yours truly."

"You're a pole smoker," James slurred, indeed, drunk off his ass.

"While you're right," Emmett said with a smile, "I'm also the only one who didn't embarrass myself."

Edward stared longingly at where Bella and Aro stood filming across the courtyard. He sure as shit wasn't getting his name called.

* * *

A/N: Dudes! I love the crazy that we're creating here! So much fun!

I'm home today with my kids since we got slammed with 14" of snow Friday and lots of places still don't have power here in the Pocono Mountains. We do, thankfully, so I'm able to bring you this insanity. They'er saying the power might take another day to fix and then we're predicted to have another foot of snow drop Wednesday and then even more come on Sunday.

So I'm more than ready to just slip into this imaginary play land as long as possible.

What's next, Crinkle?

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	28. Chapter 28

~28~

They were . . . everywhere. Beefy, skinny, debonair, nerdy; the pendulum swung from one end to the other.

Everybody seemed kind— some overwhelmingly arrogant. Unsurprised, Bella knew they'd require a certain level of cockiness to withstand this eight-week pissing contest.

Aro approached, rose in hand. Ten guys currently engaging Bella in a group conversation puffed up their chests.

"Bella, twenty minutes of uninterrupted chatting time in our gazebo awaits you and one of these lucky gentlemen."

Instantly, twenty-five hopeful souls surrounded as she took the flower, smiling. Her gaze darted around, spotting the hottie who'd piqued her interest earlier.

* * *

A/N: I ran out of words! Only our next Tater knows which bachelor is about to get some private conversation time with Bella.

Will he accept? Will someone throw a tantrum because of it? And will someone throw a punch because of _that_? Anything is possible with all this testosterone and a lot of free liquor on the first night!

We're waiting with baited breath, Hot Tot!

xoxo,

Crinkle Cut (Yummy)


	29. Chapter 29

~29~

Every eye in the room focused on Bella as she gingerly put one foot in front of the other, willing her shaky legs to keep her steady. Her stomach lurched. _Why am I so nervous? They all want ME!_

When Bella was just steps away—her destination clear to everyone in the room—Edward's disbelieving eyes swept to either side of him. Bella grinned and a shy smile graced his face. One more step—

Bella tripped, lurching herself leftward.

The Hulk-like guy jumped forward and caught Bella, grinning as he righted her. "Thanks for the rose. The name's Emmett."

"But..."

* * *

A/N: Oh man. I'm a wench.

They'll have something to laugh about later when they tell their grandkids how they were so head over heels in love with one another at first sight they literally couldn't walk straight.

And no, i'm not even sure if leftward is a word. We're going with it tho.

I haven't taken the time to publicly thank you all yet for your support on these. You guys are so awesome to stick with us through these things while we jump all over the place and update either every hour or once a week. Writing with these ladies is so much fun and you guys make it so much better. I'm trying to respond to a few reviews at least each chapter. I'm sorry if I've missed you, but please know I'm super appreciative.

So - IDH... can you fix this? Or is it too late for her to explain she wanted the dude who grabbed her boob? Where's Mike at anyway? Is that why she tripped? Did he orchestrate some shenanigans in the floor? Maybe he knows Emmett is gay so he wants Bella to end up with her? IDK. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES!

xoxo

shell


	30. Chapter 30

~30~

"You need a friend on the inside." The way Emmett swirled his tongue around the shell of her ear, Bella wished everything he'd just confessed wasn't true.

 _Nice job, B. Fall for the one gay guy._

"Keep me around," he whispered. "I'll scope you out the best chick-loving guy here." _Lick, kiss, swoon._ "And I'll tell you when you have spinach in your teeth or toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Trust me, these producers are not on your side. Deal?"

Bella pulled back, so many questions and no time to ask. And those damn cameras everywhere—rolling, recording, reporting.

* * *

A/N: So, Emmett's secret isn't a secret...at least with Bella! Will she keep him around? Will they both fall for the same guy? (OH NOES!) Will she have TP stuck to her shoe?

I would expect more questions than answers from Momma, and ain't that grand?

Your reviews are cracking us all up... we love you guys! Thanks for letting us potatoes just be potatoes.  
XOXOXO

~IDH (born)


	31. Chapter 31

~31~

Edward was fuming, brooding and frustrated. He _knew_ Bella had been coming his way to give him the rose, but Emmett managed to get it instead. The glass of vodka and lime in his hand had long since lost its chill, but he continued to hold it anyway. There was no chance he was going to drink more than one drink and end up sloppy.

"Let me concentrate," Jasper hissed as he looked across the lawn. Supposedly he could lip read and the rest of the bachelors were antsy for reports from inside the gazebo.

"I'm slay, let me help?"

* * *

A/N: Oh Edward. So mad and frustrated.

Love me some self-sacrificing Emmett.

So Jasper isn't the _best_ lip reader. Let's see what happens when Crinkle takes control, shall we?

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	32. Chapter 32

~32~

After Emmett and Bella's twenty minutes ended, other guys clamored for her attention like it was the end of the world. At one point, Bella's arms were stretched during a tug-of-war between Tarzan in the loin cloth and some dude doing the Haka, trying to prove he meant business.

Edward had very little to offer in the way of war dances. Maybe she'll dig his epic skills in Parcheesi?

He checked his watch. "Shit." Only forty-five minutes till the rose ceremony.

"Relax." Emmett winked, approaching with the plate of pigs in blankets. "I got'chu, buddy."

"Meaning?"

"Your boob grope worked."

* * *

A/N: A-ha! Who ever said making it to second base didn't make a good first impression?

Now we just have to hope Bella remembers the right names during the rose ceremony. Is that up next?

Or do we have a few more choice boys who'd like to bend (or lick) Bella's ear?

Only Tot knows!

xoxo,

Crinkle Cut (Yummy)


	33. Chapter 33

~33~

Sweat trickled down Edward's back as the number of roses before Bella dwindled.

That dickhead, James, had just accepted the next to last rose. Edward felt sick to his stomach. Black and purple dots appeared in front of his eyes and he swayed a bit. Bella's next words sounded muffled, but whatever name she'd uttered, it wasn't Edward. He dropped his head and let out a long sigh. At least it was all over and he could go back to his mom's basement.

The guy next to Edward elbowed him. " _Dude_. Isn't your name Ed?"

And then Edward passed out.

* * *

A/N: Oh man - do I not have the best potatoes friends, or what? I love what they did and tho I have zero idea what's going on here. They'll be pleased to know I hopped on Wikkipedia before writing this chapter to see how the rose ceremony works tho. Hopefully this time I didn't mess up too much!

And Yummy snuck my very first Edward into her last chapter doing the Haka! (SN: I don't care if it was just a coincidence. I'm totally pretending he was a shoutout to my first Edward. DOn't crush my dreams, Yummers.)

Did Edward lock his knees, IDH? Poor dude. I'll see if I can not have someone fall in my next chapter.

xoxo

shell


	34. Chapter 34

~34~

"Morning, gentlemen," Aro said. "Hope you all had a good night's sleep. Edward, nice to see you conscious. Emmett, thanks again for stepping up with the mouth-to-mouth."

Emmett shot Edward a wink. "Happy to be of service."

"Our bachelorette asked me to deliver this." He dropped a small white envelope onto the coffee table and barely got his fingers out of the way before James dove for it.

Emmett snatched the envelope away. "I got this, sweetheart.

 _"I love a day at the beach, skee ball, and anything red.  
_ _If you're on board for a one-on-one, please join me… Ed."_

* * *

A/N: Oh that Emmett is a TEASE and a half! But he does love his boy Ed! WELP! Looks like our guy has a one-on-one with the bachelorette, something involving boards at the beach... Surely nothing can go wrong!

Oh wait... it's KK's turn!

xoxo  
IDH (born)


	35. Chapter 35

~35~

"You can't wear that." Edward ignored Emmett's _help_.

"Or that." Edward rolled his eyes.

"This is all I brought," Edward mumbled as he shoved his feet into a pair of well-loved flip flops.

"Wait here," Emmett sighed as he darted out into the hall. Edward had James, Jasper and Marcus the pirate as roommates…and technically Caius the parrot.

"If you want to have a chance with Bella, you got to look the part."

Edward didn't want to admit Emmett was right, but the tight white T and board shorts were much better than his oversized cargos and plaid short-sleeved button-down.

* * *

A/N: I LOVE Emmett. He's so helpful and sweet.

Let's see if Crinkle gets them to the beach or if there's more fun to be had before the date.

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	36. Chapter 36

~36~

Edward closed the door for Bella and jogged around, getting settled into the driver's seat of the convertible.

"I'm diggin' those red shorts. Are those . . . tiny embroidered blue crabs?" Bella squealed.

"Emmett dressed me. I mean, these _are_ mine; it's a hometown thing."

"Maryland blue crabs—how adorable are you?"

Edward chuckled. "You remembered I'm from Maryland."

"I remembered you feeling me up and passing out at the ceremony. You're hard to forget, dude. Any other highlights I should know about you?"

 _May as well,_ Edward thought. "I'm obsessed with the unsolved murders of Biggie and Tupac."

* * *

A/N: Because why the hell not? We all have quirks, right? Anywhooooo...will Edward ask if Bella has any particularly strong opinions about the untimely deaths of kings of the East Coast/West Coast rap war in the 90's? I mean, you never know! *winks*

Clearly I've spent enough time with these Taters to know that anything and everything goes. Take it, Tot!

xoxo,

Crinkle Cut (Yummy)


	37. Chapter 37

~37~

Bella smacked Edward's arm.

"Shut the front door," she screeched. "You know they're not actually dead, though, right?"

Edward winced. _Great. Now_ Bella _was making fun of him._

"I guess you think they're living it up with Elvis, huh?" He asked, unable to hold back snark.

"Hell no. He's long gone. But Biggie, Tupac, and Jimmy Hoffa are all living in New Zealand, now. Farming sheep, undercover-like."

Edward 's mouth gaped as he processed Bella's insane claim, but then the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard filled the car.

Bella giggled. "Gotcha. But for real, Tupac is legit my idol."

* * *

A/N: well, then. I haven't even looked at reviews, peeps. NGL. These potatoes are throwing the sound back my way too quickly for that!

I've decided to give up on figuring out how this show actually works. So when something doesn't make sense, we will just agree to blame me

Thanks for all your support, friends! So, IDH, why in the world does Bella idolize Tupac?

Xoxo

Shell


	38. Chapter 38

~38~

Magically, an empty stretch of beach appeared. A long, low table, covered in a red-checkered cloth, overflowed with shellfish.

"Aphrodisiac much?" Bella giggled, pulling off her T-shirt to reveal a skimpy red bikini top barely containing the bountiful breasts that broke Edward's fall last night. "Hungry?"

"Definitely."

"We should eat first," she said.

He watched, mesmerized, as she pushed her tiny, denim shorts off legs that went for days.

"Wait, eat _first_?"

"Before we surf. You surf, right?"

 _Once_.

Until… wave… crash… bye-bye bathing suit… girl scouts… police.

"Sure. _Love_ surfing! Too bad we don't have boards!"

"Hello? The table?"

* * *

A/N: Oh poor ED! I tried to pre-empt the wardrobe malfunction, but let's be real, is there any way KK is gonna let him be graceful-or even upright?

It's not easy keeping up with these whippersnappers and their rapster hipness, but I'm gonna keep trying!

XXX

IDH (boh)


	39. Chapter 39

~39~

"So you have crabs on your shorts, but you don't eat them?"

"Better to have them on your shorts than inside them."

Bella had just taken a sip, and Edward's surprising quip had that sip spraying all over the shellfish spread, covering everything in a fine coating of spittle-laced white wine.

"Shit…sorry," Edward mumbled as he scrambled for a napkin. "I said shit…sorry…shit!"

Bella's laughter calmed his nerves as she took the napkin from his slightly shaking hands and blotted the food. Edward glanced over to where Alice stood next to a fuming Mike and grimaced.

"Maybe it's surfing time?"

* * *

A/N: So much fun playing with these three ladies!

I've never surfed or even tried, so I figured I'd do what I do best and just embarrass poor Edward.

What's next Crinkle?

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	40. Chapter 40

~40~

"You're alive!" Bella cheered as Edward surfaced and climbed on his board to sit, both of them bobbing with the rise and fall of the waves.

"The stunt doubles for Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves made this look much easier."

Giggling, she paddled toward him, adding, "I suppose now's not the time to tell you they did most of their own surfing scenes in _Point Break_."

Edward grumbled. "Hollywood had some nerve remaking that classic." They locked eyes, sharing a smile. "So what's next?"

* * *

A/N: Don't get me started on all the frik-frakkin remakes out there. Doesn't anybody have an original thought anymore? There are plenty of fics out there that deserve to be on the silver screen. Several of them written by these fine, fellow Potatoes, in my humble opinion!

Anywho, where are we? Seems Edward survived the first part of surfing without a shark attack or a sea urchin sting to some important parts. How will the rest of the date play out?

Hit us, Hot Tot!

xoxo,

Crinkle (Yummy)


	41. Chapter 41

~41~

"Bella shrugged. "I thought maybe we could just take a walk and chat… get to know one another."

Walking Edward could do… Talking, not so much his strong suit. But with three cameras recording his every reaction, he couldn't exactly say no.

"Sure." And with courage he didn't know he had, Edward offered Bella his hand.

The delicate smile he'd quickly grown fond of flitted across Bella's lips. She slipped her hand into his, wrapped the other around his elbow, and leaned into him while they walked. "Let's get the awkward stuff over with. Tell me about your worst date."

* * *

A/N: Bruh. It's snowing in NC in March. What the heckles?

I really wanted these two to have a sweet moment. They earned it, right? By chapter 40? Sheesh. This thing may never end if we're still on the first date!

What's up next, IDH?

xoxo

hot tot


	42. Chapter 42

~42~

 _"Tarzan, Jasper, Emmett, and James—"_

"Hey! Who died and made you king, anyway?" James jumped up and grabbed the card from Emmett. "Lemme see that. Tarzan, blah blah blah, okay, here we go.

 _"Got muscles? Let's see what you can do!  
Meet me tomorrow for a group date at Muscle Beach in your cutest suit!"_

"Think my loin cloth is cool?" Tarzan asked.

James snorted. "Won't be a match for my red Speedo."

Emmett sidled up to Jasper. "You're awfully quiet today."

"I was hoping for something a bit more cerebral. I can't compete with all you musclebound gods."

* * *

A/N: I'm gonna leave Edward's worst date story to KK while the boys back at the house deal with their invitation to tomorrow's group date.

Also, I can kinda see Emmett's mouth dropping open right there... Jasper noticing his muscleboundness and all. *insert starry eyes*

By the way, that "table" on the beach was two surf boards under a tablecloth. Nobody's surfing on a folding table. Okay, I feel better now that that's cleared up.

She's all yours, KK. Be gentle. Or if you can't be gentle, have fun.

MWAH!

XXX  
BOH (ho)


	43. Chapter 43

~43~

"So she just left you there?" Bella didn't know if she should laugh or cry at Edward's dating horror story.

"Well I _was_ covered in pee," Edward whispered in her ear, which he had been doing the entire walk so his dirty laundry wasn't aired to millions of eager viewers.

"CUT!"

Bella and Edward jerked apart at the loud yell from across the sand.

"Mike you can't just yell cut whenever you want!" Alice screamed as she smacked him with her floppy hat.

"I think America has seen enough," Mike mumbled as he urged the camera crew toward the van.

* * *

A/N: I often forget they have a camera crew with them. Apparently Bella and Edward did too.

What kind of date ended with pee pants? The world may never know.

What's next, Crinkle?

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	44. Chapter 44

~44~

"Hey Alice," Bella said, out of breath from running up the beach toward the crew. "Aro said I'd have the opportunity to offer Edward a rose today if I wanted."

"Oooo, absolutely."

Mike flipped. "WHAT?"

"Go for it, sister." Alice passed it to her with a wink.

Blushing, Bella made her way to the blanket. Edward returned from the restroom just as the cameras started rolling again.

"Before we have to pack up"—Bella started, producing the flower from behind her back—"Edward, will you accept this rose?"

He smiled while she bit her lip, leaning in . . .

* * *

A/N: ...drumroll...what will happen next, Hot Tot?

Sorry about the delay in posting, peeps. Too many details to get into...suffice it to say, I miraculously found some time before I collapsed for the night. Loving all your reviews. Thanks for being here for this hilarious ride. Love these taters something fierce.

xoxo,

Crinkle (Yummy)


	45. Chapter 45

~45~

…the fondue.

"Cheesy shitake mushrooms!" Edward shouted.

"Oh, shit." Bella looked around the blanket but there were no napkins.

"Hoooooot." Edward flapped his hand around, flinging piping hot fondue everywhere.

Bella grabbed Edward's hand and dragged him toward the ocean. Edward began to struggle against her once they entered the water.

"Can't swim," he gasped between screams.

"Tough shit, homie." Bella grabbed Edward around the waist and fell into a cresting wave, pulling Edward on top of her.

Salt water flooded her mouth, and Edward flopped around on top of her until the wave subsided.

"You saved me," he sputtered.

* * *

A/N: You guise... I'm just glad i wasn't the one who took forever this time! Go YUMMY!

So, i'm sanding and repainting the trim in my living room and kitchen. Send wine! Boxes of it, preferably.

This entire chapter is Crinkle's fault, btw. She left me with that set up... He couldn't actually kiss her and be all suave. But they're all set up for a nice salty kiss now. I tried to give him a boner while he was on top of her in the water, but 100 words doesn't allow for a lot of detail.


	46. Chapter 46

~46~

"And nearly drowned us both!" Bella reached up to the face above her and pushed Edward's sand-covered hair off his forehead. "Why the heck didn't you tell me you couldn't swim before I made you go surfing?"

Edward shrugged. "I wanted to impress you."

"Mission accomplished."

"Yeah?" His adorable lopsided grin was quickly working its way into Bella's heart. "I, uh, think my rose is halfway to Hawaii by now, but just for the record, I definitely accept."

He bent his head lower, pressed his salty lips to hers, and stole the first kiss seconds before the next wave hit.

* * *

A/N: WE HAVE A KISS, PEOPLE! Jeez, Hot Tot! FONDUE? Bahaha. Whatever KK does next, at least those salty lips have met!

Okay, Momma, have your way with them. (Why do I think Edward's bathing suit is headed to Hawaii after that rose?)

MWAH!

XOXOX

IDH (BOH)


	47. Chapter 47

~47~

"You kissed her?" Emmett couldn't stop grinning as he stood outside the shower while Edward removed what felt like half the beach from his undercarriage.

"It was amazing, dude," Edward said just loud enough to be heard over the falling water. "I really think we may have something going."

"EMMETT!"

Jasper's loud voice echoed through the spacious bathroom.

"Time for us to head out on the group date, man."

Edward poked his soaking wet head out through the curtain.

 _"Group date?"_

"Miss Bella has invited Jasper, James, 'Zan and me out for a group date at Muscle Beach."

"Damn it."

* * *

A/N: Oh man. Poor Edward. I don't think he's up for Bella dating all these other guys.

Sorry for the delay, FF was being a douche after all Ida/BOH's sweetness last chapter.

What will happen? Only Crinkle knows for sure!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	48. Chapter 48

~48~

Though it had only been two weeks of isolation, Bella truly relied on Alice as if she were a lifelong friend, not a producer.

"Muscle Beach, Alice? Seriously?"

"Yeah, it's totally douchey, but Whip insisted on it."

"We couldn't just wander the boardwalk, eating fried Oreos and playing carnival games?"

"A single destination is necessary for filming the group." Alice attempted chipper. "At least Jacob'll wear his loin cloth. I've never witnessed a blurred out dick so much in my entire career."

* * *

A/N: I think we need a backstory of what's been going on ever since Jake aka Tarzan arrived at the beach house. Those poor camera crews and editors...and housemates, LOL! Gotta love being the penis blurrer (I think that's a word and a job title for these purposes).

Anywhooo, wonder how much flexing is about to go on. Looking forward to finding out with you! Take it away, Tot!

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yummy


	49. Chapter 49

~49~

"Bella, watch this!"

Tarzan ran ahead of the group and began to climb on one of the contraptions where men were currently doing flips between two bars.

A heavy arm draped across Bella's shoulders, and Emmett's breath felt hot against her ear. "I heard you had a _moment_ with my boy Edward earlier."

Bella glanced up at Emmett. Something about him made her grin. He reminded her of a big teddy bear. She didn't think he had any interest in actually dating her, which made her wonder why he was here.

Bella hip-checked Emmett. "Maybe. He say something about it?"

* * *

A/N: Sorry, guys. Busy week. I'll try to do better!

Hope you've all had a great week.

What's next, IDH?

xoxo

shell/hot tot


	50. Chapter 50

~50~

"He said when you guys kissed, he felt like he was flying."

Okay, Emmett embellished, but Bella's swoon told him everything he needed to know. These two kids were meant-to-be, and Emmett was going to do everything in his power to move the other chess pieces off the board.

All but the one he wanted for himself.

"So, Emmett, what's a guy like you doing on _The Bachelorette_?"

A slow smile spread across Emmett's face as he nodded toward the metal rings. "Hopefully that drink of Southern Comfort swinging his ass like it's his job."

Bella giggled. "Jasper's gay too?"

* * *

A/N: Yeah, Bella knew about Emmett. He's her "inside man," remember? ;)

I don't know if Jasper's gay. Do you, Momma R? Does Emmett? Does Jasper?

My daughter lives a block from Muscle Beach, and she's always kind enough to take us that direction and let her Mama enjoy the sights. And they are glorious.

All yours, Momma R!  
XOXOX

BOH (IDH)


	51. Chapter 51

~51~

"I don't know if he knows he is…but he totally is," Emmett replied with a sly grin.

"So what are we supposed to do now?" Bella asked as she snuggled into Emmett's slightly sweaty side.

"You continue to 'date' these tools, while I slowly try to bring Edward out of his shell and Jasper out of the closet. At the end of this ride we should hopefully both be riding off into the sunset with our dream guys."

"You make it sound so easy," Bella sighed, remembering Edward's sweet kiss.

"When you find your soul mate, it should be easy."

* * *

A/N: AWWWW! So damn cute!

What do you think will happen next, Crinkle?

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	52. Chapter 52

~52~

After spending a scorching day at the Hollywood Bowl with another group of suitors, Bella realized being cutthroat at the upcoming rose ceremony seemed impossible.

Emmett mentioned guys being tools yesterday, but there weren't any jackasses on today's date.

This crowd entertained Bella in a talent show on the fly . . . and totally blew her away.

Swoony Alistair was a concert pianist. Sam crooned Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" almost bringing her to tears. Garrett from Australia painted a landscape better than a Bob Ross original.

These men were genuine and sweet, and impressive as hell.

"I am so screwed."

* * *

A/N: Yeah, it would be waaaaay too easy to make everybody a jerk. *wink* AND if my calculations are correct, Bella probably has another full group of guys waiting back at the beach house that she still has to date before the next rose ceremony. Oh boy. I wonder who else might be worth keeping...but at least Edward has an early rose already in hand...so he's safe for the next round of eliminations. But for how long?

Dun dun duhhhhn!

Help us Tot, help us!

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yum


	53. Chapter 53

~53~

"She did _what_?"

Edward couldn't believe what he'd just heard. He'd shared a moment with Bella. How could she sneak off by herself with parrot guy?

"I didn't see this coming. The bird's got game. First, he called her pretty lady, and then this forking bird plucked a tulip from the garden to give to her." Emmett glanced across the room. "I wonder if Jasper likes birds."

Edward watched Emmett watch Jasper prop his leg on the back of a couch to stretch.

"Um… can we get back to me and Bella?"

Emmett squeezed Edward's shoulder. "Here's what you gotta do, Ed…"

* * *

A/N: I have no idea what's supposed to happen next in the show so I cut to Edward being a sad puppy. I also have no idea if this is even possible for realzkies BUT IN POTATO LAND EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE! I also am not positive if we've named parrot guy yet. In my head, he's Killian Jones, but ya know... I couldn't remember.

What's next, IDH?

OH - and thank you guys for sticking with us. You guys rock. MUCHOS GRACIAS.

xoxo

shell/hot tot


	54. Chapter 54

~54~

"She's still with Killian."

"Go. NOW."

Edward peered around the corner. "He's going in for a kiss!"

"DEFINITELY go now!"

"But I already have a rose!"

"OOPS!" Emmett gave Edward a rough shove, and he stumbled into view. No turning back now.

Killian's head popped up. "What're you doing, mate?"

"Doing mate?" _Fucking parrot._

"I—"

Bella whipped around. "Edward?" She looked more confused than happy. _Fuck_. This was a mistake.

"Can I steal you, Bella?"

"No!" said Killian. "No!" parroted parrot.

"Sure," said Bella, the only one who mattered. "You okay?"

He answered with a kiss. "I am now."

* * *

A/N: Well I can't make KILLIAN an asshole!

So this latest season of Bachelor, that ho Krystal kept stealing Ari right and left, even when she had the rose. And lemme tell ya, the other suitresses did not appreciate her behavior at all. Oh dear, I hope Edward won't make any enemies in the house. After all, it was all Emmett's idea!

Just wanna say a big thank you to all your readers out there in Taterland. Thanks for entertaining us with your reviews, especially the logical ones!

The potato is in your court, Momma!

XOXO  
IDH (BOH)


	55. Chapter 55

~55~

"I don't think you were supposed to do that," Bella whispered against the slight scruff of Edward's cheek. She didn't want to call him out for breaking the rules on national television.

"Yeah, probably not," Edward replied, his words muffled as he spoke them into Bella's fantastically fragrant hair. The lights from the camera illuminated Bella's hair, giving Edward a perfect view of her scalp…her bug infested scalp.

"Um, Bella?" Edward hissed as he tried to guide her off camera.

"Edward, where are you taking me?"

"Somewhere private so the entire world won't hear me say you have head lice."

* * *

A/N: I bet none of my fellow potatoes will be surprised by what I did in this chapter since I spent my day picking lice from my oldest kid's head and washing everything that would hold still.

Do you think the parrot gave Bella lice? (I know that's not how it works :-)

Do you think Crinkle will be kind enough to give us a peek of the boys in a mass shower using some nasty lice shampoo?

WHO KNOWS!

You're up Crinkle!

Momma/KK


	56. Chapter 56

~56~

"CUT!" Bella, Alice, Mike, and Whip screamed simultaneously.

Edward froze, his face still dangerously close to a louse now creeping toward his nose. "What? I wanted to say something to her privately. Is that against the rules?"

"Body mic, genius!" Mike spat back and stormed off.

Edward squeezed her hand. "Sorry, Bella. My bad," he murmured.

Bella, red-faced in utter humiliation, stepped away from him while Whip flagged down Jessica from hair and make-up.

"Lice? Are you serious?" Alice screeched at Jessica. "How did you not see this?"

* * *

A/N: Gotta love Momma R throwing me the lice cliffie, LOL!

Sooooo, I have a theory, but HP rules prohibit me from brainstorming with my fellow Taters on where these critters may have come from. And have they spread? Or will they? Might the beach house need to be bug-bombed? Only Hot Tot and IDH can theorize at this point.

Everyone who needs a shower, say "Aye!"

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yummy


	57. Chapter 57

~57~

Bella looked between the two men standing before her. She'd given out all of her roses except one. Eight hours ago, this would have been an easy decision. James had done nothing but spread animosity amongst the guys and given Bella the heebie-jeebies every time he leered at her.

But then that ducking nudist gave her lice.

Bella had attempted to be understanding, at first, and attest his strange lifestyle choices as interesting quirks, but lice? Really?!

She took a deep breath and hoped like hell she wouldn't regret her next six words. "James, will you please accept this rose?"

* * *

A/N: I itched writing this entire chapter. *shoots daggers at MR*

Look at me posting a chapter during the week! Must be a Holy Week miracle!

SIDE NOTE: I hope I did this right. Is it time for the rose ceremony? Is that what she's supposed to say? I considered making this all a bad dream, but I thought we might need to save that card for when one of us (prolly me) royally flurks this fic up. (TWI TREK ANYONE? LOL)

What's next, B?

xoxo

hot tot/shell


	58. Chapter 58

~58~

"Welcome to Hawaii, gentlemen! I trust you all enjoyed getting lei'd?" Whip's TV smile flickered briefly, then died. "Bella asked me to deliver this. Aloha!"

James dove for the coconut shell, dug out the folded note, and read the invitation to the remaining twelve bachelors:

 _"Emmett and Jasper, let's double the fun  
Meet me at the luau for a two-on-one!  
_ _We'll have a little poi and you can shake your ass  
_ _(And macadamia nuts) in a skirt of grass!"_

Emmett reached over Edward and high-fived Jas. "Two-on-one, baby!"

Jasper paled. "Do people wear anything under those skirts?"

"YES!" Edward shouted.

* * *

A/N: Hopefully we have left the lice behind on the mainland! I've read stories where Jake had fleas, but I've never seen anyone give him lice before! Leave it to KK!

I don't know how Bella's gonna chop up the rest of her dates on the island. Will Edward get another one-on-one? Will James? Will Killian? How about the parrot?

What else is in store for our bachelors? Will we sacrifice James to the volcano?

Is Jas gonna discover his inner hula girl? I DONUT KNOW! TELL US ALL, KK!

XOXOX  
IDH (BOH)


	59. Chapter 59

~59~

"I don't have to give out another one-on-one if I don't want to, right," Bella asked as she endured another lice hunt a 'la Jess. "I'm sure they're dead."

"You can never be too sure."

"You don't _have_ to give out another one-on-one, but it makes for terrible ratings," Mike replied without looking up from his phone.

"Bella," Alice said, ignoring Mike, "the goal of this show is to find your soul mate, your lobster, the Scarecrow to your Dorothy."

"I think you misunderstood that movie," Mike laughed.

"You have to do what is best for you, no matter what."

* * *

A/N:Poor Bella. All she wants is her sweet, hopefully lice-free Edward.

What do you think she's going to do next?

Crinkle knows!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	60. Chapter 60

~60~

In their private beach moment, Emmett took advantage.

With the evening lit only by torches and the surrounding Polynesian drumbeats, the sounds and visuals would be indecipherable.

Emmett twirled Bella around, enveloping her petite frame into his hulking one.

She squealed, knowing it was pow-wow time again.

"I'm really digging Jazz," he whispered, mouth skimming her jaw. "Need you to keep him around for a few."

She whined. "But this is getting really hard!"

"That's what she said."

"Emmett, I'm serious. Edward's beyond fantastic, but are Killian, Sam and Alistair as incredible as _they_ seem?"

Nodding, he sighed. "They're better."

* * *

A/N: Awww, crap. How's she gonna keep paring down this crew? 12 remain, according to IDH. Edward, Emmett, Jasper, James, Killian, Sam, Alistair...who are the other 5?! Will a sleeper pull ahead and totally blow Bella away? Can't wait till we get down to the final four and the hometown dates! But for now we're still in the Aloha State... I wonder what awaits our fearless cast next? Only Hot Tot knows!

And as a side note, may I just publicly thank the original 3 Taters for including me on this venture? Having to stick with precisely 100 words AIN'T easy! I've done some of my best editing and substituting of words and phrases in my writing career (short, though it may be) *wink*. I'm hoping this will be the scorching fire I needed under my tush to get going with another story.

Thank you Shell, B, and Kitkat...love y'all for many reasons and this is just another!

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yum


	61. Chapter 61

~61~

Bella threw her head back and laughed. Her hand dropped onto Killian's knee, andhe took advantage of her proximity to tuck a stray hair behind her ear.

Edward's shoulders fell right along with his plummeting confidence. _He_ should be the one putting a smile on Bella's face.

"How does it feel?" James sneered. "She was lookin' at you that very same way after your date, and now you're over here with the rest of us."

Edward didn't even think. Without even looking at him, Edward just jammed his elbow into James' ribcage as hard as he could and walked away.

* * *

A/N: Moosh to Yummers. Love you.

Thanks for being patient with me, peeps. I was out of town for Easter visiting family and friends and unable to write or post!

Oh man. I'm so glad someone punched James. IDEK why i hate this one so much. Must be ingrained in me. What's next, B?

xoxo,

hot tot/shell


	62. Chapter 62

~62~

"Don't think I'm gonna let that little jab slide, fucker." James revved his ATV, cut off Edward, and splattered mud up and down his left side. "Let's see how close Bella wants to get to your ass now."

Edward fishtailed off the path before righting his ATV. That asshole James was gonna cause an accident. At least Bella was up front with the guide and wouldn't get hurt.

Up front, sandwiched between Sam and Alistair, leaving Edward at the end of the pack of nine on this godforsaken group date.

 _I have to get some alone-time at the cocktail party._

* * *

A/N: Awww, group dates are hell. Is Bella up front having fun with Sam and Alistair? Will she ditch them all for Koko, the ATV guide?

Will Bella give out a rose tonight?

ALOHA for now! All yours, KK!

xoxo,

IDH/boh


	63. Chapter 63

~63~

"You're _covered!_ " Bella laughed as she avoided Edward's mud-encased hands.

"I thought mud baths were supposed to be all the rage!" Edward joked, managing to get his slimy mitts on his favorite girl.

"I still don't know how you got from the back of the group to the winner's circle."

"A few well-placed moves and here I am…all yours."

James glared at Edward and Bella as he and the other guys sat lounging on the ATV's, waiting for Bella to be done snuggling the winner of their impromptu race.

"I doubt James would've suggested it if he knew you'd win."

* * *

A/N: I couldn't let Edward be sad. I have a hard time with that!

Crinkle, what happens next? A rose ceremony?

Not sure if you've noticed, but I avoid the actual show stuff since I know nothing about it! :-)

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	64. Chapter 64

~64~

"So, Whip wants to kick things up a notch." Alice sat across from Bella at the breakfast bar.

Pausing mid-bite, Bella managed a questioning grunt without spewing any milk or Lucky Charms. "Hrmm?"

"We've done it in seasons past when viewership has gone downhill."

"But the show hasn't even aired yet," Bella whined. "Do I suck that much already?"

Snorting, Alice crumpled a napkin and chucked it at Bella's head. "We want to be ready for a ratings-boost halfway through."

"So what's Whip proposing?"

"Ex-lovers."

Bella's eyes bulged. "Joke's on you. My exes will cause a national snoozefest."

"Not yours."

* * *

A/N: Oooooooh, it's about to get gooooood! So the boys are going to have their exes come on the show and give the Bella the dirt on them. Can't wait to see who we'll meet and what stories they might spill. And will Emmett be outed on national television if a guy shows up as his ex?!

Only the Taters know! Any other Hawaiian adventures ahead of them before the next rose ceremony, Tot?

Thanks for the all the love out there!

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yum


	65. Chapter 65

~65~

Edward watched Bella lean against the railing as she waited for his ex, while Emmett's advice swirled around his brain in a jumbled mess.

 _Be funny._

 _Be suave._

 _Be sexy._

 _Be confident._

 _Be yourself._

Trouble was… that last one didn't exactly line up with the first four.

"Bella..."

"Edward!" Bella threw her arms around Edward's neck and pulled herself close. She felt tiny and strong and _right_ pressed against him.

Edward avoided her eye contact. "I don't have an ex for you to meet, so I guess they figured me telling you in person would be a humiliating ratings pull."

* * *

A/N: Oh man. What happened to the one who peed on him? Did Edward make her up? Did he lie to Alice and Mike about never having a girlfriend so he could have some one on one time with Bella? What did the other ex's say? What's going on with Mike anyway? Is he still plotting behind the scenes to win Bella back?

I probably should've moved the story forward and answered one of those questions, but I really needed Edward to have a win today and Bella being so excited to see him felt like a win. Also, I really wanted enough words for Bella to be able to ask about the pee lady but that's the nature of the drabble beast. Gotta pick and choose.

Happy weekend all. If you're getting snow today... I'm so sorry. That truly sucks. To those in souther states, stay safe. Praying for no tornadoes.

Take it away, IDH.

xoxo

hot tot/shell


	66. Chapter 66

66~

"No exes? How is that possible?"

With her ear pressed against Edward's chest, Bella heard his heart thump faster as he answered. "I guess, uh… I've been waiting for you?"

She tipped her chin to meet his gaze and found two bright pink cheeks on either side of his shy grin. Just as he dipped to kiss her, Caius flew head-on into Edward's nose.

"Ow! _What the_ —"

"Sorry, love. Oh, not _you,_ " Killian said to Edward. "I meant the lass."

"Killian, what's going on?"

"Bella, meet Emma, my heart's desire. I thought she was dead… long story. I'm out."

* * *

A/N: For the record, the pee lady was the worst date Edward ever had. We hardly have to consider her an "ex." PHEW!

Okay, Crossover time, Killian and Emma are heading back to their own ship so now we're down to 11 suitors (unless there was an implied rose ceremony and some of the other no-names have been eliminated.) Woot!

Are we leaving Hawaii soon? Any other interesting exes gonna show up first? What's up with Whip?

All yours, Momma/KK!

Sprinkling magical tater dust on our "loyal readers"... MWAH!

XOXO  
IDH/BOH


	67. Chapter 67

~67~

"One rose left, Bella," Aro whispered over Bella's shoulder. With a smile that looked more like a grimace, Bella picked up the pathetic-looking rose and glanced up at the hopeful row of would-be suitors.

Edward and a handful of already-chosen men stood to the side, roses pinned proudly to their chests. The producers were still concerned about ratings, even after the abysmal and dramatic 'ex-lovers' episode they'd just finished shooting. When they told Bella she would be going from eleven men to seven this evening, she assumed they were rushing toward the end since it was such a ridiculous season.

* * *

A/N: Poor Bella, she isn't having the best luck this season. So I wonder who the other guys will be? Emmett and Jasper for sure I bet. Maybe still a nudest? James?

Guess we'll see what Crinkle has to say!

I would LOVE to see a season like this on real tv!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	68. Chapter 68

~68~

It was a perfect night.

Bright stars illuminated the inky sky, Dom Pérignon flowed, and shared laughter made Bella and Jasper look like the next "It-Couple."

She smiled knowingly, gliding through a thousand bubbles toward his dripping, rippled chest.

"Now that's more like it, beautiful." Jasper leaned in, humming against Bella's soft, champagne-kissed lips. Mouths moved in a sultry dance just before she brazenly straddled him.

When their searing kiss ended, Bella studied his gaze, finding the courage to make a bold move.

Heated, rumbling water surrounded as she whispered against his stubbled cheek. "How do you feel about Emmett?

* * *

A/N: Oooooo! So, will he think she's asking his opinion for her? Or for him? Eeeeep!

"Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match!"

Can't wait to hear how Hot Tot plays it out.

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yum


	69. Chapter 69

~69~

Every one of Jasper's muscles tensed.

"Emmett?" Jasper leaned away from Bella, and she slid off his lap. "Tall… muscly, Emmett?"

Bella grinned. "That's the one."

Jasper gazed over at the rest of the men where Emmett stood in the center making everyone laugh. "He's alright, I guess. You seem to know him better than I do. Why're you asking me?"

Bella scootched back to Jasper and whispered in his ear so the microphone couldn't pick up her words. "I think you know why. All that wiggling I did on your lap during that kiss and nada peep down below?"

* * *

A/N: WELP. All the eggs are out of the basket, I guess. Is that even a saying? IDK, but it is today. Are we about to have a side romance in potato land? I luff me some slash.

Poor Jasper. Maybe it's a cold hot tub?

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your support. I haven't been able to reply to reviews for several chapters b/c my life is a bit cray cray right now. I figure you guys would rather get an update than read my lame jokes back to you! Love you all and so grateful for each of you.

xoxo

shell/hot tot


	70. Chapter 70

~70~

The sudden slosh of water rocked Bella to the opposite side of the jacuzzi, champagne flute flying from her hand, smashing into a million pieces on the concrete deck—along with Jasper's last hope of convincing himself he could "do straight."

The cool night air hit his sodden trunks, adding shrinkage to his growing list of challenges.

"Jasper, wait! I'm sorry!" Bella's apology died in the roar of jacuzzi blowers.

Emmett was the last person Jasper wanted jogging after him to the casita. "Whoa! What's wrong?"

Jasper rounded on him, slapping Emmett's hand off his shoulder. "You! _You're_ what's wrong!"

* * *

A/N: Aww. Poor Jasper. It's not easy coming out of the closet in front of all of Bachelor Nation.

Maybe Emmett can make it worth his while?

And poor Bella! Anyone on hand to make her feel better? YIKES! What a mess!

xoxo  
boh/Ida Ho


	71. Chapter 71

~71~

"I knew where my life was going before I came here. You threw everything into a tailspin and now I don't know which way is up."

Emmett lifted his head from the pillow to look at Jasper where he lay sprawled across his bare chest.

"It's not like I planned to come here and fall in love with you," Emmett admitted, spearing his fingers through Jasper's curls to maneuver his head for a kiss.

After their tension-filled coming out, Emmett took Jasper into the slightly more private pool house. One thing led to another, which ended in a snuggle/soul-sharing fest.

* * *

A/N: Awww...maybe Crinkle will give us some sweet lemons next.

100 words are WAY too short!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	72. Chapter 72

~72~

"I have a litany of questions."

Emmett widened his arms. "I'm an open book."

"Except when you come on national television intending to declare your love for a female." Jasper's pointed look deflated Emmett.

"It wasn't like that. I consider myself a pansexual. But that turns into a huge debate about that versus bi, and when you don't know your audience, it's easier to just say gay."

"But again, why would you come to _The Bachelorette_?"

"I don't know how to say this without sounding like a schemer."

Jasper became even more confused.

"I wanted Bella to have a friend."

* * *

A/N: Whoa! Did Emmett know Bella from before the show? Is he from her past? Does she even know/remember? Could that be against _The Bachelorette_ 's rules or does it even matter anymore?

I feel like the Riddler posing so many questions. As much as I would've liked to get to the slashy lemons, Jasper is the kind of guy who needs some answers, and frankly, so do we! (Taters included, lol!)

Thanks for your patience in waiting for this chapter. I've had a busy birthday weekend celebrating for my nephew and my hubby.

Take it away, Tot!

xoxo, Crinkle/Yum


	73. Chapter 73

~73~

"Why does Bella need a friend? And why do you care?"

Emmett leaned forward to whisper in Jasper's ear. "I think Bella's my twin sister. We were separated at birth, and I've been looking for her for seven years. But you gotta act like I told you something sleazy, 'cuz Mike's got the hots for Bella. He'll kick me off the show if he finds out the truth."

"Emmett," Mike screamed, "the mic can't hear you. The rest of America wants to know, too."

"Please," Emmett whispered as he sat back in his seat to offer Jasper a lascivious wink.

* * *

A/N: This is all crinkle's fault. I was fully intending to jump back to Bella and Edward but now we got us a sub plot (You know... besides the killiam/emma subplot and the stalker ex Mike subplot and the emmett is gay/bi/pan subplot and in love with the closeted Jasper... did i miss any?)

What the heck, y'all? We're going off the rails!

Thanks for all of your love. I'm out of country for a week, so if there's a hold up again, that's my bad. The other potatoes can cook without me if they want.

xoxo

shell


	74. Chapter 74

~74~

"Six men and only four roses remain," Aro said. "Every bachelor who receives a rose tonight will bring you for a Home Town date next week. Bella… when you're ready…"

Shit was getting real.

Each bachelor offered a hopeful smile and his own unspoken promise. Alistair performing on his Steinway— _sigh._ Sam yodeling in lederhosen—yummy. James, the bad boy she knew she shouldn't fall for but always did. And then there was Edward—sweet, shy, dorky Edward. How could Bella decide?

She couldn't! Which was why she needed Emmett around, which meant keeping Jasper around to keep Emmett happy.

* * *

A/N: TWINS SEPARATED AT BIRTH, Hot Tot? REALLY?

Well, I couldn't cut anyone but hopefully Momma Kitkat will make the tough decisions for all of us. Someone's gotta be a grown up potato around here!

Whatcha gonna do, Momma?

XOXO  
Ida Ho/BOH


	75. Chapter 75

~75~

"Edward, will you accept this rose?"

Bella wanted to roll her eyes at the fake-ass smile on Edward's face. Like he didn't know he was going to get a rose. Emmett and Jasper were already standing a wee bit too close to each other on the far side of the pool, roses in hand. Edward knocked shoulders with Emmett's much larger frame as he joined them.

"Last rose, Bella," Aro whispered dramatically.

"James," Bella faltered as she noticed Edward's eyes widen in disbelief at her last choice. "Will you accept this rose?"

"You're damn right I will!" he crowed gleefully.

* * *

A/N: I am SO SORRY for the epic delay.

I guess maybe I just didn't want to go without our Shell Shock in the country.

What happens next, Crinkle?

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	76. Chapter 76

~76~

Emmett reclined on the bed, roaring a yawn. "Our last night in the house, E. How's it feel?"

"Do you think she's keeping James for ratings?" Edward paced maniacally. "Seriously, what could she still see in him while letting Sam go? For cryin' out loud, _I_ was even crushing on Sam!"

Emmett's jaw dropped. "You've been hanging around me too long. Do I actually have you considering switching teams?"

"No, you idiot. But I'm ready to fight James to the death. "

* * *

A/N: Oh Lawd, and now for the dueling! LOL...hometown dates next and she's kept Edward, James, Jasper and Emmett...the gay guys with one of them as her long-lost step-brother, LOL. I cannot WAIT to see how the Potatoes write their way out of these Bermuda Triangles.

Best fun ever. Hooray for Hot Tot coming back to us! Take it away, sis!

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yummy


	77. Chapter 77

~77~

"Get your hands off of her."

Mike jerked James away from Bella.

"Mike!" Bella screeched.

James shook Mike off. "What do you think you're doing, asshole?"

"She clearly didn't want your filthy hands on her," Mike spat, puffing out his chest.

"Uh, guys…" But no one paid Alice any attention.

"How do you know what she wants?" James stepped toward Mike. Bella jumped between the two of them but faced off toward Mike.

"What the hell?" Bella whisper-yelled. "I was enjoying myself."

Mike's eyes went wide. "You actually like this creep?"

"Guys," Alice screamed. "So. Rude! Mike, you're fired. James…"

* * *

A/N: Hi, friends!

It feels like it's been forever!

Hometown dates, huh? Sounds like we're nearing the end! Not sure whether we should be happy or sad about that. lol

Wonder what James and Bella were up to with his hands all over her? I just couldn't deal with the open Mike story anymore so he's gone. WOO HOO. BUH BYE MIKE.

you're up, IDH.

xoxo

shell


	78. Chapter 78

_From chapter 77:_ "Guys," Alice screamed. "So. Rude! Mike, you're fired. James…"

~78~

"...you'll fly home to New Orleans tonight with Whip. The two of you will make all the arrangements for Bella's first Home Town date tomorrow. You'll have twelve hours to make her fall in love with your family and your world. Bella, you're coming with me. We have some shopping to do!"

Alice grabbed Bella by one elbow; James grabbed the other. "Wait! Can I at least say goodbye?"

All eyes turned to Alice. Bella mouthed " _Please_?"

"Sure," Alice said. "Everyone but the cameras, clear out. Let these two have their moment."

"Finally! Alone!" James dove in for the boob-grab.

* * *

A/N: Well, don't piss off Hot Tot or you might find yourself written right out of the story! Heehee. Anyone sad to see Mike go? Nope, me neither.

As for James, he's a sly one but Bella kinda likes that. That boob-grab was a kiss just before posting but bad boys gotta be bad boys! Lots of cool stuff to explore in NOLA. What'll it be, Momma R? Some beignets and bangin'? Jazz and jizz? Do tell!

MWAH!

XOXO  
IDH/BOH


	79. Chapter 79

~79~

"James," Bella sighed as she avoided his hands.

"Bella, I just want to finish what we started." Bella's eyes rolled so far skywards, she worried they may never come back.

"Stop," Bella hissed as she smacked away his annoying appendages, "I just wanted to give you a heads up before we head to your hometown."

"I already have a head up," he teased as he humped the air, making Bella gag.

"I may or may not have some potential issues with the city of New Orleans."

"What does that mean?"

"I may have been asked never to return…by the Mayor."

* * *

A/N: What does that mean?! Did she have too wild of a time on spring break?

You know who may know? Crinkle!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	80. Chapter 80

~80~

"So you joined a second line at your cousin's wedding and then...?"

"A ton of alcohol was involved."

James chuckled, leaning back on the lounge they shared. "When is it not?" He dipped his head. "Continue."

"I don't remember everything, just what family and the police report said. Apparently we stopped at the Four Points Sheraton. I stripped to my thong and did my best Tarzan impression -jungle yell included- while swinging from a sheet draped over the balcony."

"Boobs out for all the world to see?"

Bella grimaced. "Bouncing around like dainty little bowls of jello."

* * *

A/N: Bella, Bella, Bella.

I mean who here hasn't been half-naked and paraded around the streets of the French Quarter? LOL!

So where will the hometown date happen? Will they tempt fate and go to NOLA anyway? Or is there a Plan B forming?

Hopefully Hot Tot knows!

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yummy


	81. Chapter 81

~81~

"That'll never work, Em," Edward hissed. "She obviously has a bad-boy complex. Show-casing how horrid he is will only make her fall for him even more."

"Ward… Buddy. Does this look like my first rodeo?"

Edward had no idea what Emmett expected him to say. "Uhh…."

"Exactly. Once Bella's arrested, James is going to bail on her, you'll swoop in like the knight in shining armor, badaboom badabing, show's over."

"Except show's not over." Edward waved his hand between Emmett and Jasper, who were cuddled together on the couch. "You two need to chill or you're gonna get kicked off."

* * *

A/N: Y'all... I could smack my fellow taters for leaving me with those shenanigans. How does one follow that up?

I really wanted more words for this chapter, but alas. Not in the cards for me. I'm wondering how IDH is going to follow up Edward's point right here!

Sorry for the delay. No excuse other than I forgot it was my turn. My poor potato skin is red.

Love you guys hard.

xoxo

hot tot/shell


	82. Chapter 82

~82~

"What do you mean, I'm doing Strip Roulette?"

" _We_ , Bella. We're a team. I'll be right next to you on stage."

She glanced down at the gold lamé banana hammock hanging like a soggy French fry between James' thighs. "Why is that not comforting?"

James chuckled and flicked one of the tassels pasted onto Bella's boobs. "You're gonna be great. The sequin G-string really makes your ass pop!"

"So help me, James... If we lose, my father will rip your nuts off."

"Then we better stop fighting and figure out how we're gonna use this cheese grater in our routine."

* * *

A/N: Can you believe there's a burlesque place called Bella's Blues in NOLA where they have strip roulette once a week? And of course James would take her there!

So? Where'd they hide the planer, Momma Russet? I wouldn't want to be the one wearing the limp banana hammock right now!

YIKES!

I understand some of our readers are confused. I'd honestly worry about you if you thought one of our stories made sense! But we sure do love you for trying!

XOXOX  
Ida Ho/ BOH


	83. Chapter 83

~83~

"So, just to be clear," Edward sighed, trying to make sense of Emmett and Jasper's plan, "you want to call the cops and say someone stole your car, giving them the plate and description of the production car. When the cops pull over Bella and James as they head back from New Orleans, we're somehow waiting in the woods for them and I come over and save the day by rescuing Bella from the cops?"

"YES! They'll try to arrest Bella, James will bolt and you come save her!"

"I think you may have been snacking on pot brownies"

* * *

A/N: I'm not sure if you've noticed yet, but when we want to avoid a situation, we just change venue. It's hilarious. You should see our messenger chat!

So we gonna go back to the Burlesque show or keep with this cockamamie plan Emmett and Jasper have thought up, Crinkle?

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	84. Chapter 84

_From chapter 83:_ "I think you may have been snacking on pot brownies."

~84~

"May I remind you idiots that we're not supposed to be in New Orleans right now? We're supposed to be in _our_ home towns preparing for when Bella arrives to meet _our_ families," Edward reasoned.

Jasper stopped rubbing his foot over Emmett's crotch long enough for both to quirk their brows in concern.

"If Alice, Whip, or any of the crew catch us, WE will be kicked off the show!"

Emmett jumped up and readjusted his mighty erection. "Preeeeeetty sure we're gonna be kicked off the show for other reasons, bud." He winked at Jasper. "This'll just speed things along."

* * *

A/N: Poor stressed-out Edward...desperately trying to be the voice of reason. Will it work? Only Hot Tot knows!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there. Sending our tater-love to all of you.

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yum


	85. Chapter 85

~85~

Bella grimaced and pressed a gauze bandage over the blood gushing out of her thigh. "I told you not to put the cheese grater there, James."

"I wasn't going to actually put it in…" James hesitated. "Well, maybe just the tip."

"I told you—nothing goes in _that_ hole again."

James grinned. "I wish I'd seen the look on the ER doctor's face when he pulled a perfectly peeled potato out of… there."

Bella scowled. "Your douchebag attitude is starting to get old. A little concern wouldn't kill…" Flashing blue lights in the rearview mirror halted Bella's tirade.

" _Oh_ , _shit_."

* * *

A/N: Y'all just need to throw me away. I was waiting half the week for Jen to post and not realizing she'd already gone (EVEN THO SHE CLEARLY TOLD ME IN A MESSAGE THAT IT WAS MY TURN.) Then I had a sick kid to take care of. My apologies for lateness. It's always me holding this thing up.

On another note... you people are amazing. I can't believe you're all still reading this clusterf*ck! Your reviews are the best and I love you all so hard. We don't know what's going on, either, so at least we're all in the same boat. It probably doesn't help that KK and I haven't ever seen the show.

Second apologies to everyone for this chapter... I'm not sure if it actually accomplishes anything other than making me laugh. :D

You're up, IDH!

xoxo

shell/hot tot


	86. Chapter 86

~86~

"License and registra—what the _hell_?" A giant beam of light swept across James' G-string and found its way to the pile of blood-soaked gauze in Bella's lap.

"Officer, this isn't what it looks like!"

"Step outside, sir."

James flailed for the door handle and stumbled out of the car. "We're taping a—"

" _Dexter_ episode? Hands on your head where I can see 'em." The officer poked his head into the car. "Miss, are you okay? Do you need medical attention?"

"I'm good," Bella answered.

"Bella! Tell him we're shooting—"

"Son, you have the right to remain silent..."

* * *

A/N: Rut Roh...

I guess the cheese grater thing was my fault, but I am NOT going down for the potato Hot Tot decided to put in a nasty spot!

Well, Momma Russet, how's that plan working out for Edward? I can't wait to see!

Hey, did you catch the new story Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy just posted? Check it - **"For King Or Country"** \- When war rages outside and peace is no longer an option, choices must be made. How will history remember you?

I've got one too, if you're into an m/m sexy stripper story - **"Behind The Oil"**

Meanwhile, thanks for reading this shizzle! We love you guys!

XOXO  
~IDH/BOH


	87. Chapter 87

~87~

"Don't you think we let this go a _little_ too far?"

Emmett, Jasper and Edward were hiding on the side of the road.

"Don't make me taze you, son!" The cop's threat, followed closely by a zapping noise and James' scream made Edward feel even worse.

"This was a great way to get him out of the running," Jasper said, without a stitch of regret. Emmett nodded in agreement.

"If Bella ever finds out we were behind this…"

"If she ever finds out, Em and I will take the blame."

"If she finds out what?" the girl herself asked.

* * *

A/N: Oh boy. So Emmett and Jasper have no shame and Edward is all worried. I wonder what will happen next?

I will apologize if I'm slow to post over the next two weeks. Our family is _supposed_ to be moving this coming weekend and closing on our new house next Tuesday. It's a complete and utter shit show and I still don't even know if we even _are_ moving, but I can tell you I may be hard pressed to find my laptop for a while. But I will do my best!

What happens now, Crinkle?

MWAH!  
Momma/KK


	88. Chapter 88

~88~

"Cut!" Whip screamed from the trees.

"What the farfegnugen is happening?" Alice stomped toward the three dumbstruck bachelors. "Why the hell are y'all here and WHAT are you two wearing?" She tossed Bella a robe while Whip dealt with the police.

Wide-eyed, Edward looked at his accomplices in their "I'm With Him" rainbow Mickey Mouse-glove tees.

"See, what had happened was…"

"Allie, listen, it's like this: Jazz and I knew we had ten days off before filming came to our hometowns. So we figured we'd head to Disney!"

Alice freaked. "As a COUPLE?!"

* * *

A/N: Sorry, I'm just lol'ling at Alice while she loses her mind with these three wackos. Poor Whip is probably having a conniption fit trying to get James out of cuffs without another tazing incident. And now, somehow, Em and Jazz are going to vacation together at the Happiest Place on Earth in their proud couple t-shirts.

I can't even with this ridiculousness...but these Taters and their tales have me cracking up with each new post.

Sooo, Hot Tot, how do the boys talk their way out of this one?

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yum


	89. Chapter 89

~89~

"Umm… we thought you needed ratings hike?" Jasper squeaked.

"You did this for ratings?" Alice almost sounded impressed.

Edward sighed. "Guys, I can't do this anymore."

Emmett threw his arm around Edward's neck. "Buddy…

Edward shrugged out of Emmett's embrace and waved toward the cops who were now frisking Whip, too. "It's gone too far, Em. The thing is—"

Emmett cut Edward off. "Jasper and I are in love! We hoped Bella would be our third. Edward is hella cool, and James is a douche. _So_ , we teamed up against him."

"Dude," Jasper whispered. "Our third? That's your maybe-sister."

* * *

A/N: Just trying to keep all my facts straight, peeps!

You guys rock my world. Thanks for all of your support.

xoxo

hot tot/shell


	90. Chapter 90

~90~

Emmett placed his lips to Jasper's ear and whispered back, "Don't worry, Sweet Tea. There's no way I'm sharing your hot, Confederate bod," before leaving a searing kiss on Jasper's lips.

"Whoa! Nobody's related," Alice said. "After season three, we DNA-test _everyone_ —don't ask! That doesn't change the fact that you two lovebirds are going to have to leave now."

"Well, I got what I wanted," Emmett said with a goofy grin. "How about you, Bella? What do you want?"

Edward sucked in a tense breath. Bella met Edward's gaze, then tracked James's bare ass disappearing into the squad car.

* * *

A/N: I sense we're getting close... but how should I know? I'm only 1/4 of this hot mess!

Where are you taking us next, KK/Mama R?

God bless you guys for trying to follow this! Your reviews are hilarious!

XOXO  
~BOH/IDH


	91. Chapter 91

~91~

 _Edward sucked in a tense breath. Bella met Edward's gaze, then tracked James's bare ass disappearing into the squad car._

"I think I need a few minutes to think."

"Take all the time you need," Alice said as she guided her toward the waiting car.

"Man, you shoulda pounced on her," Jasper ribbed, jamming his elbow into Edward's side.

"No," Edward said firmly. "I want her to want me for me. I want her to _want_ to spend the rest of her life with me, not just because I was the best of what's left."

"I'm so glad you got that on camera."

Edward whipped around and glared at Alice and the camera crew.

"I wasn't doing it for you."

* * *

A/N: I am so so so so so so so very sorry for the delay! We moved two weeks ago today and I am still insane. Couple that with my four girls getting out of school tomorrow and all the end of the year drama that brings and I've been a disaster!

I promise to do better as we head toward the finish line!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	92. Chapter 92

~92~

At 7 AM, Bella found Alice, Whip, and Aro at her door, forced smiles beaming. "Morning. We need to regroup before moving forward but without cameras rolling."

"Understood." Bella murmured, turning toward the couch.

Whip started. "You'll give a proper goodbye to Emmett and Jasper on camera. Two episodes already aired so we can't cut them completely from the series."

"Edward's available and James posted bail, but we'll recall any two guys you choose to give you an honest shot at actually finding love."

"Alistair and Sam, please."

"That was easy," Aro chuckled. "Two awkward phone calls, coming right up!"

* * *

A/N: Not gonna lie, I'm going to miss the hell out of Emmett and Jasper and their hilarious antics but swoony Alistair and Sam coming back to try to win Bella's heart makes me giddy, too. So we're back to four guys...at least Edward will get his wish. Bella won't be choosing the best of what's left...hopefully he'll beat them all out fair and square!

I can just hear Chris Harrison's voice (that's the actual host of Bach/Bach'ette on TV and every season there's another new level to the drama so in coming attractions he'll always say, "And on the most _dramatic_ episode yet in Bachelor history"...or something to that effect; Aro will now be saying the same thing. Hahaha!

Looking forward to the on-air goodbye for Bella, Jazz and Em...I'm sure they'll go out with a bang! *ahem*

What's next Hot Tot?

xoxo, Crinkle Cut/Yummy


	93. Chapter 93

~93~

Edward twirled the rose Bella had given him between his thumb and forefinger.

Saying bye to Emmett had been harder on Edward than Bella. She'd just given him an awkward pat on the shoulder, but Emmett had embraced Edward in a full-body hug and only reluctantly let go when Alice pulled them apart.

Immediately after they'd left, Sam and Alistair had shown up and everyone received another rose.

In the span of twenty-four hours, Edward had gone from actually having a real friend in Emmett and almost winning Bella's affections to feeling more alone than ever.

 _What had he done?_

* * *

A/N: Yooooooo. sorry for the delay. busy start to summer!

I couldn't live up to Yummy's a/n so I time jumped! Plus, since i'm not well-versed on how the show works, I thought it best I not be in charge of details :D

So, what's next IDH? NGL, I"m super bummed emmett and bella aren't related. I wanted them to all be one big happy family after the show!

You guys are awesome, btw!

much love

xoxo

shell


	94. Chapter 94

~94~

"So..." Edward spun a slow 360 in the middle of his apartment—aka his parents' basement. "Home, sweet home."

He chewed on his lower lip while Bella studied every photo and ran her fingers over every book spine. "So, this is where the magic happens," she said, flopping onto the Star Trek bedspread and pumping her eyebrows mischievously.

 _Please God, don't let her reach under the pillow._

"I guess you could say that," Edward responded. _If you counted what happened between a man and his own hand as magic._

"Well?"—she patted Spock's crotch—"aren't you going to join me?"

* * *

A/N: Hey! I wasn't going to rob Edward (see what I did there?) of his hometown visit just because James got arrested!

So? Are Edward and Bella gonna do it on Bones, or is Edward going to break out the Parcheesi? Only MR knows...

MEANWHILE, I think we have the most tolerant readers in all of fanficland! Thanks for your patience and humor!

LOVE YOU GUYS...and my taterly friends!

XOXO  
~BOH/IDH


	95. Chapter 95

~95~

Edward side-eyed the cameras as he sat down beside Bella on his twin-sized bed. He should have upgraded to a full-size at least before endeavoring on this adventure.

"How about we play a game?" Bella cajoled, her eyes bouncing across the shelves of complicated-looking board games.

"Sure," he replied with enthusiasm, jumping from his spot. He pulled out several colorful boxes. "I have Dominion, Pandemic, Catan, Carcassonne, oh and there's Gloom and Takaido!"

"Were those even words?" Bella said laughing at his child-like joy. She had tried to stay mad at him after the James bullshit, but she just couldn't.

* * *

A/N:Hey! Look, it didn't take me a month to post! YAY ME! :-)

I may have a board game addiction, which I may have tried to share with BOH at some point. I will try and share it with anyone I see as I believe we are living in the golden age of high-strat board games. My four girls will play Dominion and Carcassonne for HOURS!

What game will they play, Crinkle? And you say Monopoly and I'm a come down there and smack you! 3

Momma/KK


	96. Chapter 96

~96~

"Okay, based solely on box covers, I'm going Pandemic. Seems like a monkey pox outbreak happened and we need to save the world."

"Sssssorta," Edward chuckled through his response.

Bella grabbed Edward's hand, planting herself at the head of his bed, pillows propped up behind her.

Just as they finished setting up, the basement door creaked open and a ridiculous falsetto traveled down to them.

"Oh, Edwaaaard? Been deflowered yet?"

Bella's brows shot through the roof. "Who the hell is that?"

"Motherfuhh…" -Edward's head fell back in exasperation- "That would be baby brother. Undoubtedly waiting to meet you."

* * *

A/N: Let it be known that I Google-researched EVERY blessed game KK listed and chose what seemed to be the least complicated to try to weave into a 100-word chapter! LOL. Love you, Momma Russett!

ANYWHOOOO... a baby brother, you say? He sounds like a bit of a tool so far...thoughts, Hot Tot?

Love our readers! Thank you all!

xoxo, Crinkle/Yum


	97. Chapter 97

~97~

"Bella, this is Alex." Edward ran his fingers through his hair and fidgeted from one foot to another.

Bella's heart twinged. Edward hadn't been this uncomfortable since the first time they met. _What in the world is the story there?_

"S'nice to meet you, Alex." She offered her hand as Alex eyed Bella from head to toe.

"Likewise indeed." He drawled out his vowels and held on to her hand a few moments too long.

Edward stepped closer, easing her discomfort. "Dude, stop being a dick. Don't you have someone else to annoy?"

Bella leaned closer to Edward and grinned.

* * *

A/N: Let it be known, i googled none of those games :D lol

I wonder what Alex's deal is? I thought about time jumping him out of the way for some more on-the-bed action, but alas, i time jumped last time so i figured i should behave. lol

you guys are awesome!

xoxo

shell


	98. Chapter 98

~98~

"Don't get your panties in a twist, bro. Mom sent me down to tell you dinner's ready..."

Edward tugged Bella toward the door. "We better get—"

Knocking Edward's glasses askew as he squeezed by, Alex took off, taunting, "Last one upstairs has to wash the dishes!"

"Dammit!" How was Edward supposed to impress his girl with dishpan hands? "Sorry about that, Bella. Obviously, our silly contest doesn't apply to guests."

Bella kissed him suddenly, straightening Edward's glasses as she pulled away, her fingertips lingering behind his ears. "I love me a domesticated man."

"Yeah?" _God, she was cute_.

"Mmhmm."

* * *

A/N: I wanted to work in that Mama made Edward's favorite-fried chicken livers and onions-but I ran out of words! *wails*

What will Mama and Papa Cullen think of the bachelorette for their little virgin? Is Edward's mama THE Esme who works for the show...another Esme who randomly has the same weird first name... or bio-mom Elizabeth? OR...could it be Renee?

Only Momma Russet knows for sure.

Good news- I think we're getting near the end-ish. Mebbeh. Meanwhile, love you guys who keep riding out the storm with us! MWAH!

xoxo

BOH/IDH


	99. Chapter 99

~99~

"I didn't mean this domesticated," Bella muttered under her breath an hour later as she watched Edward on his hands and knees neatly stacking the dishwasher.

"No!" Edward's mother, Elizabeth, scolded as he went to put a fork in the little basket. "Eddie, the forks _have_ to point up or their little tines won't get scrubbed."

Bella hid a gag behind a yawn at the nickname _Eddie_.

"I think it may be time for us to head to the next shoot," Alice chirped as she poked her head through the back door.

"Sorry 'bout that," Edward whispered, looking all embarrassed.

* * *

A/N: I am so very sorry for the long delay. Summer and work are kicking my buns!

Oh no, a nicknaming, domesticating, annoying momma! I may have drawn from real life experience for that mother in law!

What do you think happens next, Crinkle?

Crinkle, right? Damn...it's been so long I can't even remember our tot names!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	100. Chapter 100

~100~

As the plane taxied to the LAX gate where Whip and Alice waited, Bella ruminated over the last two weeks, meeting the families and close friends of Edward, Sam, and Alistair.

Overall, their moments were comfortable, appropriately romantic . . . scores above the debacle with James in Louisiana. Cutting him at tomorrow's rose ceremony was a no-brainer.

The overnight fantasy suite rendezvous with the remaining three this week would be her next dates.

The sensuality emanating from both Alistair and Sam was undeniable; they drew her in so easily.

But Edward's nerdy charisma continued to mystify and intoxicate her.

* * *

A/N: Holy Moses, we made it to 100...and holier smokes that you precious peeps are still reading! Have we told you lately that we love you?

Welp...sounds like James is about to get the ax and the other three guys have the possibility of getting lucky in the overnite dates...will she or won't she?

The cameras don't follow them in there, so it's anybody's guess! Hopefully there will be a fly on the wall each night so we can be appropriately judgie of them, haha!

You're up, Hot Tot!

xo,

Crinkle/Yummy


	101. Chapter 101

~101~

Bella drew in a sharp breath when Edward emerged from the bathroom in nothing but his boxers, suddenly grateful she'd scrambled under the covers while he changed.

On their earlier date, Bella realized that Edward made up for his quirky tendencies with his genuine interest in _her_ —her favorite holiday traditions, what she hated about her job, her favorite Beatle(Lennon, duh)… As endearing as Bella found his _complete_ awkwardness in _every_ situation, she had no desire to experience that beneath the sheets.

Bella fingered the lacey edge of her nightie as he gazed nervously at her.

Time to find out.

* * *

A/N: AHHHHH!

ARE WE FINALLY GETTING A LEMON? Geez Louise. I'm so sorry. I have no excuse other than I forgot. I wasn't even all that busy. You guys are rock stars and deserve better than me.

NGL - I have no idea what happens on these overnight dates sooooo my bad for skipping over the sweet parts. I imagine he opened doors and held out chairs and they had a wonderfully rich conversation that made her fall a little more in love with him as each minute passed. :) (he probably also did some really dorky things and spilled something on her or tried to order in french and accidentally ordered ox balls or something)

YOU GUYS ARE FABULOUS. Thanks for sticking with us this long if you're still here.

xoxo

shell/hot tot


	102. Chapter 102

~102~

It was that damn ninth bullet point Edward regretted as he folded his trousers over the towel rack. If only he hadn't opened the envelope Emmett had passed him during their goodbye hug with the words " _OPEN IN CASE OF CHERRYPOP!"_

He'd cruised like a champ through #1 - 8: undergarment selection, personal care products, say yes to mouthwash, intimate grooming for dummies. And then he'd hit #9: _Pre-game 2x to the nastiest porn you can handle._

Hence, the well-spent dick courtesy of Mistress Jade and the nervous smile as he gazed at the sweet girl squirming under the covers.

* * *

A/N: What better way to tempt fate than by starting my (Jewish) New Year by invoking a little raunchy domme action? It just seemed like our virginal game-playing, Momma's basement-living bachelor would go straight to his dominatrix playlist. And how much do we love Emmett for taking the time to write out detailed instructions for his boy-beard? (Sigh... can you say "The Very Gay Bachelors" SPINOFF?)

NOW... we all know Kitkat has no problem quick-draw-McGrawing her protagonists, so I wanted to give our hero a little leg up (see what I did there?) and at least give the guy a little staying power... if he gets it up, that is. I leave him in your capable (and slightly evil) hands, Momma R! (I have to look up the spelling every damn time!)

LOVE you crazy followers to the moon and back for sticking with us through thick and ... long periods of waiting. :) Hopefully, it's all worth it. *grins*

xoxo

BOH/IdaHo


	103. Chapter 103

~103~

"You know we don't _have_ to do anything, right?" Bella said, watching Edward shift nervously from foot to foot at the end of the bed.

"Of course, sure. Yeah, I know. Who wouldn't know, right?" Bella hid her smile with a fake yawn as Edward moved toward the bed with sure, confidant steps.

"We can just snuggle. That's all I did with Alistair and Sam," she admitted. Edward's wince at the other two competitors names was hard to miss, and she instantly regretted bringing it up. She just wanted him to know she hadn't slept with the other two men

* * *

A/N: How much do I suck? So much, right? Do you know I hadn't even read the last three chapters, that's how out of touch and crazy I've been. I so apologize and promise we will get through the rest of this story posthaste. I PROMISE!

So Crinkle...what are we up to next?

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	104. Chapter 104

~104~

"I should probably tell you I followed all the directions Emmett slipped me in case we got this far."

Bella shot up. "Emmett gave you directions?"

The squeakiness of her voice caused Edward to spring into action, mirroring her position on the bed. "I mean, yes and no."

"Elaborate, please," her mortified, muffled voice spoke through her fingers.

"Yes meaning he gave me some encouragement. Maybe that's a better word choice."

A few endless seconds passed. Bella dropped her hands into her lap and leaned toward Edward, whispering, "I bet I can encourage you way better than Emmett."

* * *

A/N: Well, hellooooooo Miss Swan! Perhaps she's looking for a little more than snuggling from our hero tonight? Only Hot Tot knows!

Love to all of you. It was a gorgeous fall day here in south central PA...hope wherever you are, you smiled and spent your day doing something that made you happy.

xoxo,

Crinkle Cut/Yummy


	105. Chapter 105

~105~

Bella's delicate hands felt cold as her palms traveled up Edward's chest and around his neck. She pressed the full length of her scantily-clad torso against his, and Edward closed his eyes as he gently placed his hands on her hips.

 _Shit_... _Maybe I should've pregamed three times_.

A whisper of breath crossed Edwards lips, and he opened his eyes to an image he would have happily burned into his brain forever.

Bella's soft, brown eyes twinkled and a small smile played across her mouth as she waited. For him.

How fucking lucky was he...

* * *

A/N:

SOOOO... my bad. I sort of forgot it was my turn. For 4 months. If you're still with us, you're a rockstar and I'm super impressed! We will try to wrap this thing up quickly now, which will probably be on me to not forget. lol

Send poor Edward some love. He's a wee bit nervous!

xoxo

hot tot


	106. Chapter 106

~106~

Overcome with tenderness, Edward leaned in and kissed her smile. Bella let out a needy groan against his lips. Greedy for more, he slipped his tongue inside and deepened their kiss.

A lifetime of yearning gathered force like a cyclone spinning over tropical waters. Bella was the girl he'd been waiting for, and Edward was ready to prove he was the only one for her.

Breaking their kiss, he panted, "Want you. So much."

"Touch me, Edward," Bella whispered back.

Dizzy with desire, he skimmed his hands underneath her nightie and found her plump breasts. She arched into his touch.

* * *

 **A/N** : Hiya, brave reader(s)! It's fun to be back tatering!

I know it's risky to leave Edward exposed (well boxered) and ready to go with a TOTALLY willing sex partner who wants him as much as he wants her (HINT HINT, KK) but alas, my words are used up, and I must pass the potato. Oh dear!

Thanks for sticking with us... and please get some professional help with that!  
 **XXX  
~BOH/KPH/IdaHo**


	107. Chapter 107

~107~

 _Do not say 'honk, honk'_

"You look so serious," Bella said with a hint of humor in her voice. "What are you thinking about?"

"Not honk, honk," Edward replied instantly, earning a snorting giggle from Bella.

"I should have known that sex with you would be something I would remember forever," Bella said with a sigh and she sat back on her heels, forcing Edward's hands from beneath her silky nighty. She swore he whimpered as he released his hold. With a swift tug, Bella pulled the thin fabric over her head and tossed it, forgotten, to the floor.

* * *

 **A/N** : Look! I wrote my chapter in less than a week! Yay for me! And I didn't have him prematurely ejaculate! Yay for you and me!

I have a bare chested Bella all ready for ya, Crinkle!

MWAH!

 **KK/Momma**


	108. Chapter 108

~108~

"Are you going to regret—"

Bella pressed her finger against Edward's lips before he said anything else. His nervous mumbling had to be squelched. Emmett's sex help, something about honking, her mind boggled over the ridiculous distractions. Silence was definitely golden.

Still kneeling, Bella leaned forward replacing her finger with moistened lips. He moaned, their tongues dancing passionately.

Edward's hands meandered from her sides up to her breasts, squeezing and teasing her pebbling skin along the way.

Frantic touches flew down his back and into his boxers. One push and they were completely skin to skin.

* * *

 **A/N: LAWD have mercy, it took them long enough! At least they're both fully naked at this point.**

 **LET'S DO THIS, PEOPLE!**

 **Thank you for still being here (assuming you're still here)...we love our readers!**

 **You're up, Hot Tot!**

 **xoxo,**

 **Crinkle/Yummy**


	109. Chapter 109

~109~

"Shiiii..hiii...iiiittt"

Edward clenched his butt cheeks together and squeezed his eyes shut. His hands were full of plump boobs, and Bella's wet, warm... cooch? Snatch? Vajayjay? Gina? _Sweet_ _inner_ _rose_?

Fuck.

Edward had no idea what to call Bella's lady parts. Emmett specifically told him dirty talk turned women on but never mentioned what to actually say! Probably best to ask before they got too far.

"Bella—"

Bella's responding moan shot straight to his balls, straight up turned his dick to steel, and made his toes curl. Then with one swift move on Bella's part, Edward say snuggle inside her...

* * *

 **A/N: Welp, Yummy said let's do this so here we are... 2 months later!**

 **so, BOH... what lovely term of endearment does sweet Edward come up with? Sure is a shame I ran out of words :D**

 **you guys are awesome. thanks for sticking with us!**

 **xoxo**

 **shell**


	110. Chapter 110

110

"Ohmygod, Edward! Your cock is humongous!"

Edward froze. "Am I hurting you? Should I pull out?"

"Don't you dare!" Bella grabbed Edward's shoulders and tugged him close. "Holy shit! You're hitting my... ohmygod, yes!"

She'd never believed the stories about G-spot orgasms, but she'd never fucked a man like Edward Cullen before.

He pulled back from the kiss, panting, and gazed into her eyes. "Bella, I need to tell you something before we consummate our relationship."

The guy really talked too damn much.

"Shush! Just fuck me."

"But Bella..." he said.

"WHAT?"

"I wanted you to know I love you."

* * *

 **A/N:** Awww. Okay, KK... she loves his dick and he loves her... now what? A rose for the winner please?

My fellow taters and I are most appreciative of your collective patience. This is the longest edging any readership has ever endured! You guys are troupers!

XXX

~BOH/KPH/IdaHo


	111. Chapter 111

111

Bella released her death grip on Edward's shoulders and slid them up to his face. His eyes were slightly glazed as he stared down at her.

"It's been way too crazy and short a ride to know what's real and what's not," she whispered, ignoring the pained look that immediately clouded his features. "But fuck it; I'm pretty sure I love you too."

The joy that lit Edward's face was fleeting as, not a second later, Bella watched his eyes widen in shock and felt his dick kick inside her.

"Did you just…?"

"Oh my God, I'm so fucking sorry."

* * *

 **A/N:** Oh no. I'm so sorry. I was just so excited and it just happened. I promise, if you give me another shot I can go longer. 100 words is just so short and…

You guys should have known. I would say I'm sorry but I'm not.

He's gonna go again in like…whenever Yummy/Crinkle posts!

MWAH!

Momma/KK


	112. Chapter 112

~112~

With the cameras rolling, Aro escorted Bella into the tropical garden set up for the final rose ceremony. Surrounding candles flickered in the twilight while fuchsia flower petals danced at their feet in the warm breeze.

"So, Bella, in a few minutes the first of two limousines will arrive and either Sam or Edward will step out, meeting you here. The rest…is up to you." He leaned in and pecked her cheek. "Good luck."

Her stomach twisted. Tonight's choice was between sexy and comfortable versus sexy and adventurous for the rest of her life.

How could she still be confused?

* * *

 **A/N: Hey there! So, I had to reread the entire story to figure out who was still in the running. Turns out Alistair must've gotten the boot after the "romantic private suite night/hometown dates" episode. I guess Bella didn't hold Edward's _quick_ bedroom performance against him. Yay!**

 **Anywhooo, here we are! Who's going to arrive first and what will Bella say? Only Hot Tot knows...**

 **Love you, readers!**

 **xoxo,**

 **Crinkle/Yummy**


	113. Chapter 113

~113~

Through the tinted window of the limo, Edward could see Bella's eyes were red.

She was crying.

His stomach plummeted. After their night together, Edward had felt reasonably confident he'd get that final rose.

Sure, he'd blown his load in seconds the first time, but the second...

Well, he'd jizzed right away then, too. So what if it took him five times before he lasted a full ten minutes? Emmett had told him the trick to keeping your girl happy was to give her two orgasms for every one of yours.

And Edward damn sure planned to keep his girl.

* * *

 **A/N: yall... for real! Don't have a heart attack that we're actually sticking to our schedule!**

 ***does some math***

 **looks like Bella had ten orgasms with Edward! can't believe those other potatoes didnt write out every detail of that adventure. . FOR SHAME!**

 **thanks for sticking with us this long! You guys are fabulous!**

 **What's next, B?**

 **Xoxo**

 **shell**


	114. Chapter 114

~114~

Edward's tuxedo loafers felt like two bricks as he shuffled one foot in front of the other toward a very serious-looking bachelorette. The ring box, tucked away for safekeeping in his inside jacket pocket, banged against his heart with every step.

No... I won't... be yours... Goodbye.

Aro smiled hard, his hand outstretched. "Good morning, Edward. how are you—"

"Excuse me," Edward said, pushing Aro aside, not taking his eyes off Bella as he marched toward her as if walking to his own execution. "Bella? Why are you crying?"

Swiping her mascara-stained cheeks, she sniffled. "I just told Sam...

* * *

 **A/N: throws hot potato to Kitkat Please don't make him come in his tuxedo trousers!**  
 **I sense the end is near... and it's so exciting!**

 **Thanks for sticking with us, you nutty readers! WE LOVE YOU!**

 **XXX**  
 **~BOH/KPH/IdaHo**


	115. Chapter 115

~115~

 _"I just told Sam…"_

"…that he wasn't the right man for me."

"Woo hoo!"

Aro, Bella and Edward turned to the sound of shouting coming from the now open trunk of the limo. Emmett vaulted from inside the dark space, shirtless, the words "Pick Edward" painted across his massive chest. Jasper exited at a more sedate pace.

"For the love of everything, CUT!" Alice shouted as she sprinted from the covered production area. "I thought we sent you home!"

"You did," Emmett admitted with a shrug, "but we had to make sure we were here when the right man won our dear Bella's heart."

* * *

 **A/N: I feel us getting closer to the end!**

 **Sorry for the delay.**

 **MWAH!**

 **KK/Momma**


	116. Chapter 116

~116~

"I'm not sure if it was your nose dive into my breasts right after you stepped out of the limo."

Edward snorted as they held hands; his teary eyes mirroring Bella's.

Offscreen, Whip –emotionally overcome— blew his nose obnoxiously while Alice, Jasper and Emmett embraced in a giddy group hug.

"Or your stellar surfing skills…" she continued.

"I figured my shorts with the mini embroidered crabs clinched it."

They both laughed, Bella adding, "That and your epic game collection."

The ring felt heavy in Edward's pocket. He was ready to get down on his knee and take over the confession.

* * *

 **A/N:** Look at us turning out chapter after chapter!

It's all happening, finally, for these two crazy kids. Could their happy ending be right around the corner?

Let's check with Hot Tot...love you, readers!

xoxo,

Crinkle/Yummy


	117. Chapter 117

~117~

Edward's thought he might vomit his Froot-Loop pancakes back up. He gripped the box in his pocket and started to one knee.

Oomph!

Without knowing how it happened, Edward found himself, once again, face first in Bella's plump cleavage. Emmett and Jasper were manhandling James off the set, Alice was screaming cut, again, and Edward was clinging so tightly to Bella's dress to avoid falling he thought he heard it starting to rip.

But looking up into her eyes, he didn't care what disastrous things were going on around him. He only had one thing left to say to her.

* * *

A/N: could we really finish without at least one more disaster?

you guys are so fabulous! thanks for sticking with us! if i don't come around again, it's been another great ride! Thanks for all of your support and thanks to my fellow taters. they are literally the absolute best

xoxo,

Shell/Hot Tot


	118. Chapter 118

~118~

"Honk-honk!"

He did _what_? "Did you just honk?"

"No!" Edward lifted his flaming cheeks from her tits. "Okay, yes, but can we move past this?"

"YES!" shouted Alice.

"Bella..." Edward sank to his knees, taking a large swath of her evening gown with him.

A velvet box opened. Nestled in a pillow of white silk, a solitary ring caught the sun and momentarily blinded her. _This is it!_ Peering closer, Bella noticed the gold band held an unusual yellow stone.

"Ohmygod! Is that a canary diamond?"

"Oh, um... it's the bubonic plague icon from Pandemic. I had it custom made."

* * *

 **A/N** : EEEP! Will she or won't she, KK?

Love you crazy nuts still reading this... almost as much as I love the crazier nuts writing it with me!  
Let's do this thing!

 **XXX  
~BOH/KPH/IdaHo**


	119. Chapter 119

~119~

"Only you would find something so perfectly you," Bella said, ignoring the slight breeze on her back where her dress had ripped.

"Will you?" he whispered as he slipped the ring onto her finger. "Will you be my Epidemiologist when we play Pandemic and my Engineer when we play Forbidden Island? Will you be my partner and my lover as we find our way through life and help me master new characters like 'husband' and 'father'?"

"I will," she replied, tears spilling over her lashes.

"I hate to tell you this, but we have to reshoot…your entire ass is showing."

* * *

 **A/N** : Of course she will! And of course he tore her dress!

Sorry for the delay, but I do feel the end coming *sniffle*

 **MWAH!  
~Momma/KK**


	120. Chapter 120

~120~

Bella got swept into a tent before the re-shoot so Edward jogged over to a beaming Jasper and Emmett.

"Congrats loverboy," Jasper drawled, "what's next, brother?"

"No idea. I can't believe I did it and she's mine!"

Whip sidled up before Emmett spouted off his lewd comeback. "Ed, you and Bella have your choice of long weekend-getaway destinations…"

Emmett's eyes bugged out. "Let's do an exclusive Fiji couples retreat together!" he blurted.

"—but then you'll say goodbye for at least the next four months."

"What? Why?" Edward sputtered.

"Because the show doesn't air until September. Didn't you know that?

* * *

 **A/N** : Argh! 100 words are never enough! ***Does the Jedi mind trickery on Hot Tot*** " _Knooow what hilarity I'm envisioniiiiing, ShellaBellaaaaa!"_

LOL, anywhoooo, whatever happens...this hot potato gig has been the most fun since forever. So if it ends before it gets back around to me, readers, you've rocked my socks off and I've loved being an honorary tater with these amazing ladies. Thank you so so much for all the love.

All yours, HT!

xoxo, Crinkle/Yummy


	121. Chapter 121

~121~

"Fuck that!"

Edward grabbed Emmett's phone and tapped on the screen.

Emmett made a half-hearted swipe to get his phone back. "Hey... how'd you know my passcode?"

Edward easily evaded him and snorted. "Really? 696969? I love ya, buddy, but you're a simple man."

After a few more taps on Emmett's phone, Edward twirled around and shoved it into Whip's hands. "Sorry, Whip, I'm not waiting. I just posted the video Em captured of our proposal to Twitter and tagged former President Obama, cuz we Gucci like that. I'm sure it's already viral." He grinned. "And now, I'm outtie, bitches!"

* * *

 **A/N** : *glares at other potatoes* YALL WERE SUPPOSED TO FINISH THIS!

Lol nah it's all good. but, as you probably realized after reading my chapter, Yummy's mind voodoo did not work (OR DID IT?) I'm sparing you all another 40 chapters by making Edward go rogue tho (YOURE WELCOME).

up to B if they're truly done or not, tho! is there a 100 word epilogue? Do we get to find out how edward knows Barack Obama? Or why he didnt lead with that tidbit of information when he was trying to impress her?

only she knows :)

you guys are fabulous

xoxo

shell


	122. Chapter 122

~122~

Edward's thumbs massaged deep circles into the balls of Bella's tired feet—heaven.

"Again, Alice, I'm really sorry about violating the non-disclosure… yeah, we know you can't air it… thank Whip for the honeymoon suites—"

A Speedo-clad Emmett snapped away Edward's phone—"Aloha, bitches!"—then tossed it to Jasper. "Lock this in our safe, will ya, babe?"

"Hey!"

"Don't get your hula skirt in a twist. Surf's up!" yelled Emmett, rushing out. "Last one in's a rotten newlywed!"

"This double honeymoon was a terrible idea," Edward grumbled.

Bella kissed his pout away. "Marrying you was the best idea ever."

* * *

 **A/N:** Aww, four newlyweds in adjoining honeymoon suites! What could be more romantic? Heehee! Okay, Mama KK… I've got them kiddos married and 'mooning. Do your worst!

If the potato doesn't come around to me again (and I pray it won't), please know how much fun we've had with all of you!

Thanks for reading/enabling us! We love you guys!

XXX  
~BOH/KPH/IdaHo


	123. Chapter 123

~123~

 **5 years later**

"You're the best decision I have ever made on a television show."

Edward smiled through the pain at Bella's grunted, nonsensical complement.

"Have you made many decisions on a television show?"

"Several."

"You're breaking my hand."

"Your child is breaking my vagina, so I think we're even!"

Edward's knees nearly buckled from the pain of Bella's grip, but his wife was right, their second child was making a break for the surface, and if she could take that pain, he could handle a little hand squeezing.

"I love you so much, my Bachelorette."

"I love you too, now shut up!"

* * *

 **A/N:** Well...is that the end? It may be. I hate to be the one to hit that 'The End' button, but I think that may be it.

Thank you all so much for joining us on this VERY long ride. I apologize for the long delays, but we appreciate every one of you hanging on for the ride.

Will we be back with another Hot Potato? Who knows, but I wouldn't take us off alert if I were you!

MWAH!  
~KK/Momma


End file.
